Question 1

I Allow: Bert Hellinger on Our Struggle with What Already Exists

Accepted Answer

Allowing what exists to exist does not mean agreeing to let it run my life.
I can be angry and want the anger to disappear. Be afraid and angry at myself for being afraid. Be hurt by someone, and at the same time carry on an ongoing internal argument with the fact that he is as he is. Much of our struggle takes place not only with what happened, but with the very fact that this is what is here now.   
I love Bert Hellinger&#8217;s text &#8220;I Allow&#8221; precisely because of its simplicity. It doesn&#8217;t offer us to analyze the emotion, understand where it came from, or why the other person behaves as they do. It offers a different movement: to stop for a moment the struggle with what already exists.  
The person in front of me is as they are. The thought that has already appeared is here. The emotion I am feeling already exists in the body. What happened in the past has already happened. I can still choose what to do, how to respond, what boundary to set, from whom to distance myself, and where to go. This choice begins with meeting reality as it is now.     
There is something very Hellingerian about this movement. He does not try to convince us to love everything we encounter within ourselves or in the other. He invites us to let things be as they are, at least for a moment, without intervening in them immediately.  
I leave here Hellinger&#8217;s words as I translated them. After them I will return to this small word, &#8220;allow,&#8221; and to the important distinction in my view between allowing, surrendering, and choosing.

ניווט במאמר

I Allow – Bert Hellinger
I allow, and so it begins,What a development, what an ending.That I knew,Karma and balance started it all.
All that happens &#8211; is inevitable.If I refuse,I will suffer alone.All I can doTo allow.
I allow others to be as they are.I allow them to think as they do,That they judge me, act towards me as they wish.
That I knew,They are as they are,And in their eyes, they are right.
If I refuse,I will suffer alone.All I can doTo allow.
I allow my thoughts to flow.I allow every thought to arise,To exist,And then fade away.
That I knew,The thoughts themselves are without substance, they have no special interest in meThey must come, be, and pass.
If I resist,I will suffer alone.All I can doTo allow.
I allow my feelings to float.I allow every emotion to sprout,To develop,To pass.
That is my knowledgeEmotions are just physical sensations,Not bad or good.Resistance only increases them.
If I refuse to feel,I will suffer alone.All I can doTo allow.
I allow myself to be as I amI allow it.This is my behavior, these are my reactions, all my actions.
That I knew,What is seen outside reflects the insideMe in my depths, with my wisdom.
If I refuse to accept it,I will suffer alone.All I can doTo allow.
This is my knowledge,I am here for the experiences of the present.
In every moment,All I have to do &#8211;To allow fully,To experience everything,To experience fullyTo enjoy fully
LookJust lookAllow everything,Exactly as it is.
Bert Hellinger, 16/12/1925 – 19/9/2019
Allowing Is Not Surrendering
When I read Hellinger, this distinction is important to me. Allowing reality to be as it is is not surrender to reality. I can see a person as they are without agreeing to everything they do. I can acknowledge that I was hurt without deciding that the hurt will define the rest of my life. I can acknowledge that a certain relationship is as it is, and then decide if and how I want to remain in it.  
Acceptance of reality does not require forgiveness, reconciliation, or closeness. It also does not say that what happened was worthy, right, or justified. When I stop arguing with the fact that something already exists, space opens in me for a different question: Now, when I see what is, what do I want to do?  
This is a distinction I find meaningful in the therapy room as well. The desire for something to be different can be a tremendous force for change, and it can also leave us in ongoing struggle with a person who is not changing, with a past that cannot be changed, or with an emotion we demand of ourselves to stop feeling. 
Recognizing what is brings us back to the present. And from there we can choose. 
The Emotion Can Be Here. The Choice Is Still Mine 
I can feel anger without hurting. I can be afraid without letting fear decide for me. I can feel jealousy, insult, longing, or the desire to flee, without turning any of them into an instruction I must carry out.  
This is one of the important distinctions for me in therapy: An emotion is an experience. It is not a command.
When we are busy trying not to feel, a large part of our energy is directed toward internal struggle. We explain to ourselves why there is no reason to be angry, why we should have already gotten over it, why the fear is not logical, or why we are not allowed to still miss a person who hurt us. 
I prefer to be curious about what is already here. Where do I feel it in my body? What happens in me when I give this emotion space without rushing to act from it? And what do I want to choose when the wave shifts a little?   
I can allow the emotion to be here, without handing it the wheel.
What Do I Allow Myself?
Hellinger&#8217;s sentence becomes even more interesting when the gaze turns inward. How much energy do we invest in trying to be someone other than who we are in this moment: calmer, stronger, more forgiving, more confident, less needy, less sensitive. 
There is a difference between the desire to develop and ongoing struggle with myself. Development can also begin from the possibility of seeing myself as I am now: with the places that have already grown and those that still frighten me, with my strengths and with the places where I need others, with the choices I am proud of and those I would do differently today. 
Allowing myself to be as I am is not a decision to remain exactly this way. On the contrary.  When I stop wasting all my energy on the war with who I am, more space opens to choose who I want to be.
Seeing What Is
This may be why I return to this short text by Bert Hellinger. It reminds me that movement does not have to begin with fixing. It can begin with seeing. The other person. The thought. The emotion. The body. What was. What is now. I can see all of these without rushing to change them, and without giving up the possibility that something will change.         
The agreement to see is not the end of the movement. It can be its beginning.  Only after I meet what is can I ask myself a question that already holds more freedom:
What do I want to do with this now?
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Question 2

And What If Your Parents Will Never Give You What Was Missing? Bert Hellinger on Accepting Parents

Accepted Answer

I am no longer waiting for my parents to change.
It took me many years to arrive at this sentence. The wish that they would see me differently, that they would understand, that they would acknowledge what hurt, that one day they might be able to give something they could not give before—it does not disappear simply because I became an adult woman. One can distance oneself from parents and still carry within the hope that they will one day be the parents we needed them to be.  
The words of Bert Hellinger on accepting parents meet me exactly in this place. He suggests looking at the parents we have as they are, and taking from them what we have already received: life itself. For someone whose relationship with her parents was complex or painful, this sentence can touch a very deep place.  
I know this place from my own life. I can know what hurt, what was missing, and what I needed to receive, and in the same breath recognize that these are my parents and that through them I received my life.  I can see them as they are, without giving up on the way I see myself.
This is an important distinction for me: what I did not receive from them does not mean I was not worthy of receiving it. If they did not see me, it does not mean I was not worthy of being seen. If they did not know how to protect me, love me in the way I needed, or be a support for me, this absence tells something about what was possible for them.   It does not determine my worth, and it does not have to determine what life I will build for myself.

ניווט במאמר

Accepting parents, as I read it in Hellinger, does not require me to turn the past into a different story. It allows me to stop waiting for the past to change so that I can turn my gaze toward my own life. 
I translated the following text by Bert Hellinger several years ago. I return to it even today, because the question he places before us has remained alive for me: Can I accept my parents as they are, and take from them the life I received? 
Bert Hellinger – Accepting Parents
In gratitude to the roots of lifeFather and Mother, I accept everything you gave me,Everything—the whole with all that comes with it.
You paid a heavy price, and so will I.I accept everything with humility and gratitude.
From this great gift I received from you,I will grow something new, something that will make you happy.This legacy was not given to me in vain.I will embrace it with honor,If I can, I will pass it on, as you passed it to me.
My parents,I accept you as you are,And what you are able to give.You are my roots,The people who are right for me,And I am the offspring growing from you.
You are the great ones, and I am the small one.You give, and I receive—My father and my mother: I am glad you received one another.You, the two of you together, are my foundation.
Bert Hellinger 16/12/1925 – 19/9/2019
To take life as it is, as I am
I return to these words of Hellinger and think about the distance between accepting my parents as they are and giving myself up in relation to them. In my eyes, these are two movements that can exist together.  I can give my parents their place as my parents, and keep in my hands the responsibility for the distance, boundaries, and connection that are right for me today.
I can also stop measuring myself through what I received from them. A child who was not seen is not a child who was not worthy of being seen. A child who was not protected is not a child who was not worthy of protection. A child who did not receive love in the way she needed it is no less worthy of love.   
My past remains part of me, and it does not have to make all the decisions for the woman I am today. I can recognize what was, see my parents as they are, and choose how I want to live, love, be in relationship, and take care of myself now. 
This is the movement I take with me from this text of Hellinger. Less remaining with the question &#8220;When will they finally give me what was missing?&#8221;, and more turning my gaze toward the life already in my hands. 
These are my parents, this is the life I received through them. Now I choose what to do with this life. 
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