Question 1

Who Taught You That's What Love Looks Like? 7 Sentences That Can Transform Your Relationship

Accepted Answer

Most of us learned what love looks like long before we fell in love for the first time. We learned it at home, from the way our parents loved, fought, made peace, stayed silent, cared, distanced, and drew close. We also learned it from the place we had within the family.  
Perhaps we learned that love means taking care of everyone. That a loving person gives up. That when someone we love is sad, we need to make them feel better. That to maintain a relationship it&#8217;s sometimes better to stay quiet. That if someone is angry with us, we should hurry to fix it. Perhaps we learned that love means knowing what the other person needs even before they ask.     
We grow up, fall in love, choose a partner, and build a home together. Within this new story, the things we once learned about love continue to live. Some of them are beautiful and serve us well to this day. Others were very wise ways to maintain connection and belonging within the family we grew up in, and today they exact a price from us.   
Sometimes this price appears precisely where we most want to love.
We give a lot and begin to expect the other person to understand how much we&#8217;ve given. We give up and hope they&#8217;ll choose us in return. We worry about our partner, and within that worry an expectation begins to creep in that they&#8217;ll be calm so we can be calm too.  
This is how a transaction can form in a relationship that neither of us put into words:
I&#8217;ll take care of you, and you&#8217;ll make sure I feel needed.
I&#8217;ll give up, and you&#8217;ll know to appreciate me.
I&#8217;ll keep the peace, and you&#8217;ll maintain the connection.
I&#8217;ll rescue you, and you won&#8217;t leave me.
These are hidden contracts. In most cases they&#8217;re born from a deep longing for closeness, security, and love. When we begin to recognize them, the possibility opens to create a relationship with more freedom between us.

ניווט במאמר

I&#8217;m just trying to help you
Imagine a couple who comes to see me at the clinic. Let&#8217;s call them Yael and Uri. 
Uri is going through a difficult time at work. He comes home tense, talks less, sleeps less well, and sometimes becomes short-tempered. Yael senses it from the moment he walks through the door.  
Did something happen?
No.
Are you sure?
Yes.
Was there something at work?
Yael sees that something is affecting him. She suggests he talk to his boss. Maybe he should start looking at other jobs. Maybe cancel the weekend plans so he can rest.   
Leave me alone for a moment, he says.
Yael is hurt.
I&#8217;m just trying to help you.
By evening she&#8217;s already angry. She does everything to make things easier for him and he won&#8217;t even talk to her. Uri withdraws even more.  
It&#8217;s hard for Yael to see Uri distance himself. His distance stirs unease in her, and as the unease grows she tries to get closer. She asks, suggests, checks, and tries to solve. Uri feels he needs more space and distances himself. His distance increases her unease, and her attempt to get closer increases his need to distance.    
This is no longer just a conversation about a difficult day at work. A couple&#8217;s cycle has formed between them. 
In therapy I&#8217;m interested in understanding this cycle. What does Yael feel the moment she sees Uri walk in with a closed expression? What happens in her body? What is she afraid of if she lets him be in his mood for a moment? What does Uri feel when she asks for the third time what happened? What is he asking for himself when he withdraws?     
I&#8217;m interested in another question: What does Yael hope to receive from Uri through all the help she offers him?
Perhaps she truly wants to make things easier for him, and at the same time, perhaps there&#8217;s also a hope within her that if she succeeds in helping him he&#8217;ll become available to her again. That he&#8217;ll smile, that he&#8217;ll talk, that he&#8217;ll tell her he needs her. 
Sometimes we give out of love and also ask for something through that giving. The problem begins when the request remains hidden. 
What we learned about love also stays in the body
Yael has known sensitivity to others&#8217; moods long before she met Uri. As a child she could already tell from footsteps in the hallway what mood her mother was in. She knew when it was good to talk and when it was better to be quiet, when to be an especially good girl, when not to ask, when to help, and when to take up a little less space.  
Her body learned to recognize. Her nervous system learned to prepare. Within the family she found a way to maintain connection, belonging, and security.  
Years have passed and Yael has grown up. Today she sits across from Uri, and her body still recognizes a change in the mood of someone she loves as something that requires her attention and action. 
I encounter this often in couples therapy:The child who was responsible at home sometimes becomes the responsible partner.She who learned to keep the peace continues to make sure no one is angry.He who had to be strong struggles to let his partner see him in need.He who learned his needs were a burden on others can become an adult who struggles to ask directly for what he needs.
From a family constellation perspective, behind each partner stands an entire system. Parents, grandparents, losses, relationships, roles, loyalties, and the ways the family learned to love, belong, and survive. 
Sometimes we continue to perform within the relationship a role that belongs to the family we grew up in. The girl who took care of everyone continues to take care of everyone. The child who had to manage alone struggles to lean on others. The one who kept peace at home continues to be responsible for making sure no one is angry.   
The relationship is one of the places where these patterns are awakened with intensity. It can also become the place where we see them and begin to choose how we want to live and love today. 
(1) I don&#8217;t need to rescue you
&#8220;I don&#8217;t need to rescue you.&#8221;
This is a sentence that evokes many reactions. Try saying it to yourself and notice what happens. Perhaps the thought immediately arises: but if I don&#8217;t help them, who will?Perhaps a tightening appears in your stomach.Perhaps you remember a moment when your partner truly needed you.
Rescuing and loving are two different movements.
When I love you, I can see that things are hard for you, take interest, draw close, offer help, and be with you.When I feel I must rescue you, your difficulty begins to manage me too.
Rescuing has another layer that&#8217;s harder to admit. When I rescue you, I&#8217;m also influencing what you&#8217;ll do, how you&#8217;ll feel, and how the situation will develop. If I succeed in making you calm down, I can calm down too. If I succeed in solving the problem for you, perhaps I&#8217;ll feel I have control again.   
Even loving giving can become this way an attempt to manage reality.
Differentiation allows me to stay close to you and remember that we are two people. I can be affected by what you&#8217;re going through and recognize that you have your own strengths, choices, and responsibility. 
I see you. I recognize your strengths. I trust your ability to carry your own life. I can hold your hand along the way and leave you the space to walk it yourself.   
When I release myself from the role of rescuer, I also release you from the role of someone who needs rescuing. I see a lot of respect in this kind of love.
(2) I stay with myself even when you&#8217;re not pleased with me
There are moments when our partner is angry with us, disappointed in us, or simply sees things differently. Sometimes beneath an argument about dishes in the sink, money, the children, or Friday dinner, much deeper questions arise:Do you still love me?Am I still important to you?Am I still worthy?Are we okay? 
Someone who learned that connection is maintained through pleasing, adapting, or giving up may feel an intense need to quickly restore peace. She may agree before checking what she really thinks, give up a boundary that was important to her, or apologize quickly to feel the connection is secure again. 
Sometimes a hidden contract forms here too:I&#8217;ll adapt myself to you, and in return you won&#8217;t be angry with me.I&#8217;ll give up what&#8217;s important to me, and you&#8217;ll continue to choose me.
The difficulty is that after years of such a contract we may become angry with our partner for a price we ourselves pay to maintain the love.
&#8220;I stay with myself even when you&#8217;re not pleased with me.&#8221;
Worthiness for me is knowing that my value stays with me even when another person is not pleased with me.
Worthiness also asks me for integrity. I listen to you and truly ask myself if there&#8217;s something in my behavior I want to take responsibility for. If I hurt you, I can make amends. If I recognize I acted from fear, manipulation, criticism, or an attempt to control, I can meet that too.   I want to be a person I can respect within this relationship.
The question isn&#8217;t only what I deserve from my partner. The question is also what kind of partner I want to be. I can remain true to myself and at the same time agree to see the places where I want to grow.
A mature relationship needs enough space for two people. Two desires. Two experiences. Sometimes also two different truths, and also two people willing to look honestly at themselves.   
(3) I see your pain,and leave it with you with respect
When someone we love is suffering, a desire awakens in us to ease their burden. When they&#8217;re sad we encourage. When she&#8217;s afraid we reassure. When he&#8217;s hurt we explain. When she despairs we look for a solution.     Sometimes what a person needs is simply our presence.
&#8220;I see your pain, and leave it with you with respect.&#8221;
I love the word &#8220;respect&#8221; in this sentence. It changes the entire meaning. I leave the pain with you because I recognize that it&#8217;s yours. It has its own story, rhythm, and movement. I trust your ability to meet it.    
When I say this sentence, I feel there&#8217;s also a physical movement in it. Something stops. The breath expands. The hands no longer rush to do. It&#8217;s possible to listen.    
I see that it hurts you.Your pain matters to me.I stay beside you.
This is one of the deepest forms of intimacy: the ability to be with a person where it hurts and allow them to be exactly where they are.
There&#8217;s also trust in this. Trust that the person I love is big enough to meet their own life. 
(4) You are my partner.I release you from the need to be the parent I was missing
We come to a relationship with what we received and with what was missing. With who saw us and with who was busy with their own pain. With the places where we felt protected and with the places where we learned to manage alone.  
Within the relationship ancient longings awaken:that they&#8217;ll see me,that they&#8217;ll choose me,that they&#8217;ll stay,that they&#8217;ll protect me,that they&#8217;ll love me the way I always wanted to be loved.
These are deep human longings. When we manage to recognize them, we can also see what request we sometimes place on our partner&#8217;s shoulders. 
To be the father who wasn&#8217;t there.To be the mother who didn&#8217;t see.To be the family that didn&#8217;t hold.To prove to us again and again that we&#8217;re worthy of love.
Here too a hidden couple&#8217;s contract develops:If you really love me, you should know what I need.If you really love me, you shouldn&#8217;t leave me alone with this pain.If you&#8217;re really my partner, you should give me everything I didn&#8217;t receive.
A partner can be loving, attentive, generous, and very present, and still not succeed in filling the void created years before they met us.
&#8220;You are my partner. I release you from the need to be the parent I was missing.&#8221;
This is one of the most painful and healing sentences in my view. There&#8217;s sadness in it about things we didn&#8217;t receive at a time when we needed them. And when we give this pain a place as part of our story, something is also released within the relationship.  
I can see what you give.I can see your limitations.I can see you as a person in your own right.And you can be my partner. The person with whom I create something new. 
(5) What belongs to me I take,and what belongs to you I leave with you
When couples tell me about their difficulty, I listen to the cycle that forms between them. He withdraws and she moves closer. She criticizes and he distances.  He stays silent and she raises her voice to reach him. Each response becomes part of the other&#8217;s experience and invites the next response.
One of the most important questions I invite each partner to ask is what&#8217;s mine in this cycle?
What happens to me when he distances?What do I do when I&#8217;m afraid?How do I speak when I feel unseen?What boundary is important for me to set?What did I want to ask and didn&#8217;t?What do I do when I feel helpless?And what do I continue to attribute to my partner even though I have an active part in creating it?
&#8220;What belongs to me, I take.&#8221;
My words, my fear, my anger, my boundaries, my requests, and my choices.Also the places where I act in ways I&#8217;m not proud of.Also the silences in which I expected you to understand on your own.Also the times I gave in order to accumulate credit to receive.Also the moments when I used my vulnerability to make you change.
Taking responsibility isn&#8217;t a sentence that diminishes me. It returns power to me, because the moment I see my part, I can also choose something else.The complementary movement is: &#8220;What belongs to you, I leave with you.&#8221; 
Your choices, your relationships with your parents, the way you cope with work, your ability to ask for help, your responsibility for your words and actions, and your way of developing.
I can tell you what I need.I can ask.I can set a boundary.I can decide what I&#8217;ll do in response to your choices.
This creates a relationship where each person takes responsibility for their part and stops managing the other&#8217;s part.In my view, that&#8217;s precisely where real freedom within a relationship begins.
(6) I can love you without giving up myself
Many people I meet learned that love involves giving up. To be loved, I should adapt myself. To have peace, I&#8217;ll give up. To maintain the connection, I&#8217;ll take care of others first.   
Giving is a beautiful and important part of love.
The question that interests me is from what place am I giving. Sometimes a person sits across from me and says: &#8220;I gave so much. How did we get here?&#8221; I invite them to look at that giving with curiosity. 
What did I give from choice and love?What did I give from fear of losing?What did I want to give?What did I hope to receive in return?Did my partner know I was expecting something in return?Where was I in all this giving?
Prolonged self-sacrifice can create an emotional debt that no one but us knows they&#8217;re supposed to pay. I give up again and again, and within me an expectation is recorded—one day you&#8217;ll see how much I gave. One day you&#8217;ll appreciate. One day you&#8217;ll give back to me. When that day doesn&#8217;t come, love begins to mix with bitterness.    
&#8220;I can love you without giving up myself.&#8221;
For me this is a sentence that connects love and worthiness. I&#8217;m worthy of being in a relationship even when I have desires. I&#8217;m worthy of asking, setting a boundary, saying no, taking up space, and being a separate person within a couple.   At the same time, I want to check myself. Am I clearly asking for what I want? Am I willing to hear no as well?Am I giving my partner the same separateness I&#8217;m asking for myself?Am I behaving within the relationship in a way that fits the person I want to be?
Worthiness isn&#8217;t only knowing I deserve, worthiness is also building within me a person I trust.
(7) I choose us without leaving myself
This sentence holds all the others within it—&#8220;I choose us without leaving myself.&#8221;I want this relationship. I want to be close to you, to know you and be known by you. I want us to be able to lean on each other, share life, raise a family, grow together, and feel we have a home within the relationship.  
And within all this I want to remain myself too.With my desires.With my boundaries.With my responsibility.With my body.With my story.With the possibility of thinking differently from you and staying close to you.
Choosing us for me also means asking what part I have in the quality of the relationship I&#8217;m asking to create.If I want honesty, am I speaking honestly?If I want closeness, am I willing to be seen?If I want my boundaries respected, do I respect the other&#8217;s boundaries?If I want responsibility taken, am I willing to take my responsibility?If I&#8217;m asking for a worthy relationship, what kind of partner am I choosing to be within it?
This for me is a differentiated relationship. Two people who can be very close, and within that closeness each continues to be a whole person. Two people who agree to meet themselves within the relationship too.Two people who can choose each other from greater freedom and less from fear.
Perhaps one of the beautiful things about relationships is that precisely when we stop demanding the other be responsible for our wholeness, more space opens for intimacy.
Which of these sentences meets your relationship?
I want to offer you a small exercise. The first time it&#8217;s good to do it alone. 
Read again, slowly, the seven sentences:

I don&#8217;t need to rescue you.
I stay with myself even when you&#8217;re not pleased with me.
I see your pain, and leave it with you with respect.
You are my partner. I release you from the need to be the parent I was missing. 
What belongs to me I take, and what belongs to you I leave with you.
I can love you without giving up myself.
I choose us without leaving myself.

Notice the sentence your body reacts to most strongly. Perhaps your breathing changes. Perhaps a tightening appears. Perhaps sadness arises. Perhaps a thought immediately comes up that wants to argue.    
Stay with that sentence a little longer.Say it again, slowly.Notice where you feel it in your body.If it feels right, you can place a hand on that place.
Ask:
What frightens me about this sentence?What am I afraid will happen if I live this way within my relationship?What do I gain from the role I&#8217;m filling today?What do I expect my partner to give me in return?Does he even know we have such a contract?What is this sentence asking me to take back to myself?
Then you can turn your gaze to the family you came from.
Where did I learn that&#8217;s what love looks like?Who in my family was responsible for everyone?Who had to be strong?Who gave up themselves to maintain the connection?Who took care of peace at home?Who took care of whom?Who rescued whom?Who had to be okay so the others could be okay too?Which of these roles is familiar to me today?
Give your body time.
Sometimes it knows something we don&#8217;t yet have words for.
How do you want to love today?
If you&#8217;ve come this far, I want to return with you to the question we began with—who taught you that&#8217;s what love looks like?
Perhaps you grew up in a home where love meant worrying. Perhaps for you love meant giving up. Perhaps love meant being strong and not being a burden.  Perhaps you learned that people who love stay together at any cost. Perhaps love meant knowing what the other needs without them having to ask.
And perhaps you also received from home generous, stable, secure love that you continue to pass forward.
All of these live within us.
When we begin to see how we learned to love, it becomes possible for us to ask—how do I want to love today?
How do I want to be with you when things are hard for you?How do I want to stay with myself when you&#8217;re angry?What responsibility am I willing to take within our relationship?What responsibility am I willing to leave in your hands?Am I asking you directly for what I want, or giving and hoping you&#8217;ll understand?Am I choosing you, or do I need you to behave a certain way so I can feel secure?What kind of partner do I want to be?What kind of partner do I want to be?What kind of love do we want to pass forward to our children?
These are precious moments in my view. Moments when something that was automatic for years becomes visible, and within what becomes visible a possibility for choice opens. I can take to myself what belongs to me and leave with you with respect what belongs to you.   I can meet you as a whole person, and come to that meeting as a whole person myself. You are my partner. I am your partner. Each of us has a whole story, a whole family, a body that remembers, needs, fears, strengths, and a longing to be loved.    
And we also have the ability to choose:to choose how we&#8217;ll speak,how we&#8217;ll take responsibility,how we&#8217;ll ask,how we&#8217;ll love,what people we&#8217;ll be within this relationship, and what relationship we&#8217;ll create together.
Change in a relationship can begin with a big conversation or a small moment when we recognize an old movement and choose to do something slightly different. Change can also begin with one sentence: I choose us, without leaving myself. 
You might also be interested in

תקשורת
                              מי לימד אתכם שככה נראית אהבה? 7 משפטים שיכולים לשנות את הזוגיות שלכם
          
        אנחנו לומדים איך נראית אהבה הרבה לפני הזוגיות הראשונה שלנו. לפעמים אנחנו ממשיכים גם בבגרות&#8230;

משברים
                              בן הזוג שלי לא יכול להיות המשפחה שלא הייתה לי
          
        זוגיות בלי עורף משפחתי נושאת לעיתים משקל גדול במיוחד. מה קורה כשבן הזוג הופך למקור המרכזי&#8230;

פערים בזוגיות
                              למה זוגות שאוהבים מאוד מתחילים להרגיש לבד אחד ליד השנייה?
          
        למה זוגות מתרחקים דווקא אחרי שנים יחד? מאמר על זוגיות ארוכת שנים, ריחוק רגשי, מערכת העצבים&#8230;

טראומה
                              בין הממ&#8221;ד למטבח &#8211; חרדה קיומית בזמן מלחמה
          
        חרדה קיומית בזמן מלחמה, אכילה רגשית ודריכות מתמשכת. איך מווסתים את מערכת העצבים ובונים&#8230;

טראומה
                              למה את בורחת מהאהבה שאת הכי רוצה?
          
        למה את מתרחקת כשאת הכי רוצה קִרבה? מאמר נוגע על בריחה מקרבה, טראומה רגשית בזוגיות ונשים&#8230;

קונסטלציה משפחתית
                              סדרי האהבה: לפעמים זה לא חוסר אהבה – זה חוסר סדר
          
        מה אם הבעיה בזוגיות שלך היא לא אהבה, אלא סדר שהשתבש? במאמר הזה סיון אבני, מטפלת זוגית&#8230;

ברט הלינגר
                              גבר ואישה בזוגיות: אהבה, מיניות וסדרים נסתרים בקשר הזוגי לפי ברט הלינגר
          
        מאמר שמעמיק בגישת ברט הלינגר לנושא היחסים בין איש ואישה בזוגיות ובחיי המין. המאמר מציע&#8230;

תקשורת
                              למה זוגות בלי עורף משפחתי רבים אחרת
          
        למה זוגות בלי עורף משפחתי חווים ריבים בעוצמה גבוהה יותר? מאמר עומק על ראויות, מובחנות&#8230;

אינטימיות
                              איך נראה טיפול זוגי &#8211; ומה חשוב לדעת לפני שמתחילים תהליך טיפולי זוגי
          
        תהליך זוגי אינו תיקון &#8211; אלא הזמנה לפגוש מחדש את מה שביניכם. מאמר מקיף, בגישה מקצועית ומובחנת,&#8230;

חוסן רגשי
                              איך לבנות תחושת ערך עצמי אחרי שיצאת מקשר רעיל?
          
        אם חיית זמן רב בקשר שבו לא ראו אותך, הערך העצמי שלך לא נעלם – הוא רק חיכה שתזכרי אותו&#8230;.

Question 2

My partner cannot be the family I never had

Accepted Answer

How does living without family support affect relationship crises, and what happens when your partner becomes the primary source of belonging, security, and sense of home?
How does living without family support affect relationship crises?
When we don&#8217;t have family support to lean on, the relationship is required to carry much more. Your partner becomes a central source of love, belonging, support, and sense of home. During periods of stress or crisis, this weight feels even heavier.  
Sometimes we begin to expect our partner, without being aware of it, to fill places that remained empty long before we met.
I want you to see me as I was never seen.To stay in a place where others distanced themselves.To know how to be there for me when I have no one else.To give me the security I didn&#8217;t always have.
These are human and deep longings. Within a relationship they are also very understandable, and yet, there is an important boundary here &#8211; my partner can be the family I am building with him today, he cannot be the family I never had.  
This distinction becomes especially significant during a relationship crisis.
When there is no additional family network behind us, a fight, distancing, or disappointment within the relationship can undermine not only the relationship between us, but also our sense of home and belonging.
In this article I want to look at what happens there through three perspectives that integrate in my work with couples: differentiation, worthiness, and family constellation.

ניווט במאמר

A couple&#8217;s exercise for worthiness and differentiation during stress or crisis
I suggest doing the following exercise during a relatively calm time, not in the midst of a fight.
Each partner gets a few minutes and completes three sentences:

&#8220;What is difficult for me right now is&#8230;&#8221;
&#8220;What I need right now, and what I would like to ask of you, is&#8230;&#8221;
&#8220;What of what is arising in me now is also familiar to me from other places in my life?&#8221;

The third question is important. Its purpose is not to explain every relationship difficulty through childhood or family of origin, the purpose is to create space. Perhaps part of my pain belongs to what is happening between us now, perhaps another part has been familiar to me for many years. I can recognize both layers. When I see them, I can ask you for something that fits our relationship today, without asking you to also fix for me everything that preceded it. 
The listener also practices differentiation.
I can hear that it&#8217;s difficult for you without concluding that I am to blame for all your difficulty.I can hear your request without immediately experiencing it as a demand.I can be close to you without giving up myself.
You can respond simply: &#8220;I hear what is difficult for you and I hear what you are asking of me. I want to think about what I can respond to.&#8221;
From here you can continue the conversation. The goal is not for every request to receive a positive answer but to create an encounter where each person can bring themselves directly, recognize their need, see the person in front of them, and remain in connection even when not all needs receive immediate response. 
Why do relationship crises feel different when there is no family support?
There are relationship crises that begin with a clear event: infidelity, loss of trust, financial crisis, significant life change, or an event that shakes the relationship.
There are crises that develop gradually: another stressful period, another recurring fight, another feeling that I&#8217;m holding too much alone, another attempt to explain what I need that ends in anger or distance.
When there is no family support, even regular periods of stress can weigh more heavily on the relationship, not because the relationship is weaker, but because there are fewer other places where you can set down part of the weight.
When I speak of a relationship without family support, I am not referring only to couples who are disconnected from their families. A relationship without family support is a relationship in which one or both partners cannot lean stably on their family of origin for emotional, practical, or family support. Sometimes it involves disconnection, sometimes the parents are elderly or ill. There are families where relationships exist but do not allow for leaning on them, and there are those who have lost their parents or live at a great geographic distance from them. 
The practical implications are clear; there are not necessarily grandparents you can call when both parents are collapsing from stress. There is not always another home to go to during difficult times. There is no one to take the children for a moment, bring food, or simply be there.  
Within a relationship crisis another layer is revealed: if the relationship is the central place where I feel I belong, what happens when precisely this place becomes unstable?If you are the main person I lean on, what happens when the connection between us becomes distant?If there is no additional family system behind me that gives me a sense of home, what happens when the home we built together suddenly feels less secure?
This is one of the reasons a relationship crisis can take on especially great intensity when there is no family support.
When the relationship becomes the only family support
A good relationship includes leaning on each other.It is important for me to put it this way because sometimes differentiation is mistakenly interpreted as the ability to manage without needing the other person.That is not differentiation in my view.
A relationship is a connection that includes love, commitment, mutual dependence, and leaning on each other.I want to know you are there when it&#8217;s hard for me.I want to ask you for help.I want to be for the person I love a place they can lean on.
The difficulty begins when the relationship becomes the only place where all these needs are supposed to receive a response.When I don&#8217;t have family support, my partner can gradually become the only person from whom I expect to receive belonging, security, support, understanding, and sense of home.Without noticing, I can begin to expect him to also fill places that remained empty long before we met.
I want you to see me as I was never seen.To choose me as I was never chosen.To stay in a place where others did not stay.To understand me without my having to explain.To prove to me that this time I am not alone.
These are human needs and longings. A partner can meet some of them, he cannot be the answer to all of them. During a relationship crisis this distinction becomes especially important, the person from whom I ask to feel secure is now also the person I am angry at, disappointed in, or feel distant from.
My partner stands beside me, not in place of my parents
Family constellation adds another layer to understanding the relationship crisis. From a constellations perspective, none of us arrives at a relationship alone, behind us is an entire family system; parents, siblings, grandparents, losses, migration, traumas, secrets, disconnections, close relationships and relationships that could not exist. 
Even when we are disconnected from our family of origin, it is not erased from the story we came from.In our first family we learned something about belonging.We learned whether it is possible to trust,whether it is possible to need.What happens when you ask for help,what anger and conflict look like,how close you can be,what happens when someone distances themselves.
When we create a relationship, we build a new system. In this system my partner stands beside me, he does not stand in place of my parents. This is an apparently simple distinction, but it has deep meaning: if I ask you to give me what I did not receive from my parents, without being aware of it, I place on our relationship a weight it is hard for it to carry. 
You can love me very much and still not heal for me all the places where I did not feel loved.You can choose me anew every day and still not erase the places in my life where I was not chosen.You can be a person it is possible to lean on without being able to promise me that I will never feel alone again.
Recognizing this does not diminish romantic love; it allows me to see you more as you are, and less through what I need you to be for me.
How does pain from the family of origin enter the relationship crisis?
A relationship fight can begin with a very small event:I asked you to do something and you forgot.You said you want an evening to yourself.You didn&#8217;t ask how my day went.I said I can&#8217;t help you right now.
The event occurs in the present, but what arises within me can be much larger than it:

If I grew up with the feeling that I need to manage alone, the fact that you didn&#8217;t help me today can meet a place that knows well the feeling that there is no one to lean on.
If I experienced instability in significant relationships, your need for distance can trigger a fear that is not related only to this evening.
If I learned that my needs burden others, your response to my request can quickly trigger the feeling that I should not have asked in the first place.

The systemic view does not say that everything belongs to the past, it may be that you really disappointed me now. It may also be that this disappointment meets within me a familiar and older pain. Both truths can exist together.   The ability to see them allows me to take responsibility for what I bring to the relationship, without canceling our responsibility for what happens between us in the present.
Worthiness during a relationship crisis
When I speak of worthiness, I am not asking whether I am allowed to need, to be angry, to want, or to set a boundary.The question is not who gives me permission.Worthiness is the ability to recognize my needs, desires, and boundaries, to give them space, and to act from them in a way that honors me and also the person in front of me. I can identify that I am exhausted and need help.
I can ask you to take the children tomorrow afternoon.I can very much want you to say yes.I can be disappointed if you cannot.
Your answer does not determine whether my need is worthy of space.
When there is no family support, this distinction becomes especially important.The fewer people there are to lean on, the more your partner&#8217;s response sometimes takes on greater meaning.
You didn&#8217;t help me, and therefore I am alone.You didn&#8217;t understand me, and therefore no one understands me.You want distance, and therefore I am not important to you.
When my worthiness begins to depend on your response, my request can turn into a demand.
Differentiation when we need each other very much
Differentiation is not the opposite of closeness, nor is it the opposite of needing. Differentiation allows me to remain connected to myself within a meaningful relationship, while recognizing that the person in front of me is a separate person from me. I can need you without making you responsible for everything I feel.I can ask without demanding.I can hear an answer I didn&#8217;t want to receive without immediately turning it into a rejection of me.I can meet your disappointment in me without rushing to give up myself so that the tension between us disappears.I can listen to your difficulty without erasing my difficulty.
During a relationship crisis this ability becomes more difficult.When there is no family support it also becomes more important.
If you are the main person I have, your distance can feel dangerous.If you are my home, your disappointment in me can undermine my sense of place within the relationship.
Differentiation allows us to remember that even in such moments we are two people within the same relationship.
The difference between need, request, and demand
One of the distinctions I work with in couples therapy is the distinction between need, request, and demand.
Suppose I am exhausted and need a few hours to myself.My need belongs to me.I identify it and recognize it.Then I turn to you: &#8220;I need a few hours to myself. Can you be with the children tomorrow afternoon?&#8221;This is a request.
A request recognizes that you also exist.You might say yes. You might be able to respond to only part of it. You might have another need that conflicts with mine.  
A demand is different from a request even when it is said in polite words.In a demand, my ability to be okay depends on you responding.

&#8220;If you really cared about me, you would agree.&#8221;
&#8220;If you say no, it means I&#8217;m not important to you.&#8221;
&#8220;If I have to ask at all, there is already a problem here.&#8221;

During periods of stress or crisis, the transition from request to demand can be quick. When there is no family support it can be even quicker, because there are very few additional places to direct the need. 
Between defeatism and demandingness in relationships
There is also movement in the opposite direction; instead of demanding, I stop asking.

&#8220;I&#8217;ll do it alone.&#8221;
&#8220;There&#8217;s no point in saying anything.&#8221;
&#8220;I&#8217;m already used to no one helping me.&#8221;
&#8220;It doesn&#8217;t matter.&#8221;

From the outside this can look like independence, inside there can be defeatism. I give up on my need even before I met you. 
Demandingness and defeatism look very different, but in both it is difficult to have an encounter between two people.In defeatism I give up on myself.In demandingness I have difficulty seeing you as a person separate from me.
Worthiness offers another possibility:
I identify what I feel.I recognize my need.I bring it to you.I ask directly.I listen to your answer.Then I choose how to act.
I can remain present within the relationship without canceling myself and without demanding that you cancel yourself for me.
What happens when there is disconnection from the family of origin?
When I speak of the place of the family of origin within family constellation, it is important for me to emphasize one point: recognizing belonging to the family of origin does not require renewing contact.
There are families where closeness is possible and beneficial, there are families where clear boundaries are required. There are also situations where distance or disconnection are a responsible and necessary choice. 
Constellation work is not meant to convince a person to return to a relationship that harms them.I can recognize that my mother is my mother without allowing her to be an active part of my life.I can give my father his place in the story I came from without giving him access to me.I can recognize what I received from my family and what I could not receive from it.
This distinction is also important for the relationship.
When I try to make the new family I built the complete opposite of everything that was before, my partner can receive an impossible task. He is supposed to prove to me that this time everything will be different.That this time they won&#8217;t leave.That this time they will always see me.That this time I will never be alone.
This is a very heavy task for one person and for one relationship.
Two families meet within every relationship
In every relationship two family systems actually meet. Sometimes both partners live without family support, sometimes only one of them. One is used to calling parents every time he needs help. The other learned from a young age not to ask anything of anyone. One sees daily contact with family as natural. Her partner experiences family involvement as intrusion into privacy. One takes it for granted that grandparents will help with the children. The other feels great discomfort from the very dependence on them. 
During a relationship crisis these differences can sharpen. It is easy to turn them into an argument about who is right. The systemic view offers other questions:

What did I learn in my family about help?
What did I learn about dependence and independence?
What did I learn about boundaries?
What did I learn about belonging?
What happens in my family when one person disappoints another?
How do we deal with anger?
Who takes care of whom?
Who asks and who gives?
And what of all this enters with me into our relationship?

These questions do not solve the crisis, but they allow us to better understand who are the two people within it.
How do you build support when there is no family support?
If my partner cannot be all my support, an important question arises: who else can I lean on? Living without family support does not have to be living without any support at all, you can gradually build another network; close friends, neighbors, community, other families with whom a meaningful connection is created.People you can ask for help and who can also ask from you.
For some people this is a complex task. Someone who grew up in a place where there was no one to lean on may develop an impressive ability to manage alone. This ability can be a great strength and at the same time sometimes it also makes it difficult for us to identify that we need help, to ask for it, or to receive it when someone offers.
Building new support does not replace what was not there, but it allows creating in the present a broader system of belonging and support. There is in this a movement of worthiness: I recognize my need for support and act to create it. There is also in this a movement of differentiation: my partner is a central and dear person in my life, but he does not need to be the only person who holds all of life with me.Also for the relationship itself, expanding the network can be significant: the more places of connection, support, and belonging there are, the less weight is placed on every moment of difficulty between the partners.
 
Summary:My partner is my family, but he is not the family I never had
There is an apparent contradiction in this sentence.My partner is certainly my family.We chose each other,built a home,created a new system,and yet, he cannot be the family I never had.
He cannot go back to the past and give me what I did not receive.He cannot be the parent I needed.He cannot promise that I will never again encounter loneliness, disappointment, or fear.
What he can be is my partner.A person who stands beside me.A person I can lean on and who can lean on me.A person I can bring my needs to without erasing them and without turning them into his obligation.A person I can love without asking him to give up himself to prove he loves me.
In my work with couples without family support I do not try to reduce their need for each other, on the contrary &#8211; a relationship needs leaning on each other, mutual dependence, and knowing there is someone beside me.The work is to learn to distinguish between relationship leaning and a situation where your partner is asked to also carry the places that remained empty in the family of origin.Within a relationship crisis this distinction can be especially significant. I can see what is happening between us now and also identify what I bring with me from the system I came from. I can recognize my needs and boundaries without making you responsible for them.I can lean on you without asking you to be everything I lack.I can recognize the family I came from even when I chose to keep distance from it.We can build a new family together, without demanding that it erase the family that was before it.
My partner cannot be the family I never had, but he can be the person with whom I choose to build a different family.
You might also be interested in