“Love is like a new language,” my patient said with eyes full of frustration. They came to the clinic struggling with questions of identity, culture, and meaning: How could they bridge the gaps between the traditional Iraqi Jewish heritage she came from and the culture of the USSR he came from?
He was born in Moldova, the son of a Jewish mother and a secular Christian father, and immigrated to Israel alone as a teenager, while his family remained in Europe.
They met at university and fell in love. In the beginning, the mutual curiosity and charm of their differences were a source of pleasure and attraction. Over time, the difference became a source of tension: “What will we do on holidays?, What values will we instill in our children?”
They were looking for answers to the big question: “How can you truly love without losing yourself?” – As the relationship deepened, the questions became more urgent, and their eyes conveyed both confusion and hope. The difference, which was a source of attraction, also became an opportunity – could they discover how to turn their gaps into shared strengths?
An intercultural relationship is not only a meeting of two people, but also a meeting of two worlds. Each side brings with it the traditions, values, and beliefs that have formed in their family of origin and community. These gaps can become a fascinating cultural richness, but also a source of conflicts and misunderstandings.
In this article, I will present these challenges and offer practical tools that can turn gaps into opportunities for marital and personal growth.
An intercultural relationship is a fascinating connection between two worlds. Each side brings with it traditions, values, and beliefs that have been shaped in the family of origin and in the community. Sometimes, these differences initially seem fascinating and enriching, but they can become a real challenge if they are not dealt with consciously, but also a meeting of two worlds. Each side brings with it the traditions, values, and beliefs that have formed in their family of origin and community. These gaps can become a fascinating cultural richness, but also a source of conflicts and misunderstandings.
A couple who came to me for treatment told about their daily lives, they described the conflict surrounding family meals: she enjoyed large and noisy dinners with her relatives, while he, who grew up in a quieter and more structured environment, where everyone has their place and silence is maintained, felt that such experiences burdened him. What started as a small misunderstanding escalated into a quarrel about values, expectations, and what is more important in a relationship. In their daily lives, this was expressed in misunderstandings about expectations for hospitality and communication in the family. These gaps, which initially seemed marginal, brought up feelings of frustration that deepened over time. Over time, through therapeutic work, they were able to find ways to integrate the two worlds; to appreciate the advantages of silence and also to enjoy the warmth and community of family gatherings.
John Gottman is one of the world’s leading experts in the field of relationship research, known for his ability to predict marital success or divorce with high accuracy. His research is based on decades of observations in his marriage lab and provides practical insights for improving relationships. According to Gottman one of the ways to identify conflicts in a relationship is to observe daily conversations and pay attention to communication patterns such as criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and avoidance. These patterns, known as ‘The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse’, may indicate deep difficulties in the relationship.
Similarly, when religions clash in a relationship, conversations about values and beliefs can become particularly complex.
Similar to cultural differences, religious gaps in a relationship can also be complex. Religion is not just a system of beliefs; it affects every level of life; from daily choices to significant decisions such as raising children or keeping traditions. A couple came to the clinic torn between their love and tradition. He grew up in an American Protestant home, and she grew up in a Jewish home where they kept Shabbat and holidays. They dealt with deep questions like: What will our family life look like?, How can we integrate such different identities?, Conflicts around the question How will we educate the children? and what the meaning of keeping holidays became a constant point of friction. Through working with constellation they were able to understand their loyalties to their families of origin and find solutions that respect both sides.
The cultural and religious gaps in a relationship are not a foregone conclusion. Through practical tools, it is possible not only to cope with the challenges, but also to turn them into a source of strength and marital growth.
Family Constellation: This method makes it possible to identify the intergenerational and cultural influences that affect the relationship. By working with constellation, the couple can deeply understand the hidden dynamics and create a new basis for partnership.
In the meeting, the couple places representations of family members, traditions, or feelings that accompany them. The space created makes it possible to see in a tangible way the connections and influences between the generations, and the beliefs that have taken root in the family.
Often, participants experience a sense of liberation or breakthrough when they identify the patterns that run their lives and learn to navigate them more consciously.
These meetings are powerful and emotional, and sometimes reveal layers that are not accessible in a regular conversation. This method makes it possible to identify the intergenerational and cultural influences that affect the relationship. By working in constellation, the couple can deeply understand the hidden dynamics and create a new basis for partnership.
Honest conversation about values and beliefs: An honest and open conversation about the traditions and beliefs that each brings to the relationship makes it possible to reduce misunderstandings and build a relationship based on mutual respect.
Empathetic communication: Communication that includes genuine listening to the needs and desires of the other can serve as a bridge that connects the gaps.
Flexibility and willingness to compromise: Finding creative solutions such as combining traditions from both cultures can help both sides feel respected.
Setting healthy boundaries with families of origin: In many cases, the pressures of families of origin can be very burdensome. A couple I worked with felt they had to visit their families almost every weekend, which caused emotional overload and a sense of loss of marital independence. In the joint work, they decided to set healthy boundaries: visiting the family only once a month, and the rest of the time, quality time together. This change brought significant relief and a sense of balance in the relationship.
Another couple told of a difficulty that stemmed from continuous pressure from the family of origin to visit every week for Friday dinner. The partner felt that the pressure was burdensome, while the partner felt torn between the need to please her family and the sense of commitment to her partner. With the help of open dialogue, they were able to define together a new arrangement in which they would visit the family once a month, and in the remaining weeks they would dedicate time to the relationship and their nuclear family. This decision created a sense of mutual relief and strengthened the sense of partnership in the relationship.
In many cases, the pressures and expectations of families of origin can weigh on the relationship.
Defining common goals: When there is a shared marital vision, it is easier to overcome gaps and focus on the common goals that strengthen the relationship.
Strengthening the emotional connection: Quality couple time, expressing affection and mutual support are cornerstones for maintaining a stable and loving emotional connection.
Bert Hellinger, the father of family constellation and one of the fathers of systemic approaches in therapy, describes the deep loyalty we have to our families of origin, which sometimes affects us without us being aware of it. This loyalty is sometimes expressed in attempts to preserve family values within the relationship, even at the cost of conflicts.
In therapeutic work, it is possible to identify these patterns, release tensions, and build a more balanced relationship. A couple who came to me for treatment told of a persistent feeling of struggle between the expectations of their families and their needs as a couple. The man felt obligated to preserve his family’s tradition, which included frequent gatherings and an emphasis on certain values, while the woman felt a need for emotional distance in order to create their unique connection.
In a marital constellation work they identified how this loyalty affects their behavior patterns and were able to release it in a way that allowed them to build healthier boundaries and find the common ground that suits both of them.
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Expert in couples therapy for relationships without a supportive family safety net.
Developer of the Couples Constellation approach: a systemic-emotional therapy that brings the couple’s relational dynamics into contact with unspoken family patterns, alongside practical tools that enable movement, connection, and the creation of a deep partnership.
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