What happens when I stop fighting my feelings and start allowing myself to feel?
What happens when I stop fighting my feelings and start allowing myself to feel?
Most of us have learned that emotional growth is hard work. Striving to understand, overcome, improve.
But what if the next step is not effort but permission?
What if emotional healing begins not when we push, but when we stop resisting?
“I Allow,” the piercing and moving text by Bert Hellinger, doesn’t ask you to do anything.
It invites you to allow.
No fixing. Without a struggle. Just agree.
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What happens when I stop controlling and start allowing?
There are texts that meet us exactly where we are holding on.
Not to shake things up, but to allow.
“I Allow” by Bert Hellinger is such an essay. It doesn’t soften, doesn’t explain, doesn’t hold your hand—it’s simply present. And that’s exactly what makes this essay a healing force.
As a couples therapist who has accompanied people living without a supportive family backing for years, I know how difficult it is to let go of the mechanism that tries to “manage alone.”
When there is no emotional support to lean on, emotional responsibility tends to become an endless effort, and then comes the moment when the body and soul ask for something else – not more control, but permission;
To feel. To breathe. To be.
I returned to this text again and again. I breathed in the words. I gave them space in my body.
From the personal place where the text met me, I chose to translate it and make it accessible to the readers of my blog.
Sometimes, one simple sentence can remind us that it is allowed—and from here, a new movement is made possible.
I allow
I allow, and so it begins,
What a development, what an ending.
That I knew,
Karma and balance started it all.
All that happens – is inevitable.
If I refuse,
I will suffer alone.
All I can do
To allow.
I allow others to be as they are.
I allow them to think as they do,
That they judge me, act towards me as they wish.
That I knew,
They are as they are,
And in their eyes, they are right.
If I refuse,
I will suffer alone.
All I can do
To allow.
I allow my thoughts to flow.
I allow every thought to arise,
To exist,
And then fade away.
That I knew,
The thoughts themselves are without substance, they have no special interest in me
They must come, be, and pass.
If I resist,
I will suffer alone.
All I can do
To allow.
I allow my feelings to float.
I allow every emotion to sprout,
To develop,
To pass.
That is my knowledge
Emotions are just physical sensations,
Not bad or good.
Resistance only increases them.
If I refuse to feel,
I will suffer alone.
All I can do
To allow.
I allow myself to be as I am
I allow it.
This is my behavior, these are my reactions, all my actions.
That I knew,
What is seen outside reflects the inside
Me in my depths, with my wisdom.
If I refuse to accept it,
I will suffer alone.
All I can do
To allow.
This is my knowledge,
I am here for the experiences of the present.
In every moment,
All I have to do –
To allow fully,
To experience everything,
To experience fully
To enjoy fully
Look
Just look
Allow everything,
Exactly as it is.
Bert Hellinger Z”L (of blessed memory)
16/12/1925 – 19/9/2019
To agree to be with what is – and to choose from within it.
Hellinger’s text does not teach how to overcome, but offers a quiet permission to be with what is already present.
Instead of managing an endless internal struggle, another possibility opens up here: to see, to feel, to allow – and from that, to choose.
As a couples therapist working with individuals who lack a supportive family background, I encounter this space every single day:
the longing for comfort alongside the need for control.
When healing no longer depends on the other, but emerges from what already lives within us — even if it’s tender, even if it’s complex — a new movement begins.
It’s the movement of an adult who leans on themselves, not as a compromise, but as a conscious choice.
Questions for reflection
Where am I still trying to control my emotions – and where can I already allow?
What changes in my relationships when I am present with my emotions without explaining them?
What becomes possible in me when I stop fighting – and start agreeing?
When this inner agreement stabilizes, even for a moment – a silence is created within us of the kind that does not need to be clung to, only agreed to be with.
From this silence, it is possible to start moving.
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Nice to meet you, I'm Sivan Avni
Expert in couples therapy for relationships without a supportive family safety net.
Developer of the Couples Constellation approach: a systemic-emotional therapy that brings the couple’s relational dynamics into contact with unspoken family patterns, alongside practical tools that enable movement, connection, and the creation of a deep partnership.
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