Before the disappointment there was an expectation

You can’t be disappointed without expecting something. I expected you to remember, to understand, to take initiative, to stand by my side, to notice that I’m struggling. I expected that after everything we’ve already talked about, this time you’d act differently.

I don’t think the goal in a relationship is to stop expecting. We’re supposed to expect things within a meaningful relationship. I want respect, consideration, loyalty, commitment, and partnership. I also have desires and preferences about the way I want to live within my relationship. The question that interests me is: What exactly did I expect from you?

There’s a big difference between “You’re never there for me” and “I wanted you to call me after the meeting you knew I was afraid of”. There’s a difference between “You don’t care about our relationship” and “It’s important to me that you also initiate time for us, and I feel like I’m holding this alone”.

When the expectation gets words, we can start to see what’s really happening between us.

Did I tell you what I want?

After years together it’s easy to feel like your partner should already know. “You know me. You know what’s important to me. How many more times will I have to explain?” Deep familiarity isn’t mind reading. A person can love me very much and not know what gesture is important to me in a particular moment, what I expect to happen on a meaningful day, or what significance I give to behavior that seems marginal to them.

There’s a difference between an expectation that was clear to me and an agreement that was created between us. If I never said it’s important to me that we mark our anniversary, it’s possible I was disappointed by something that was obvious to me but wasn’t obvious to you.

If we talked about it again and again, I explained how important it is to me, you agreed and yet year after year nothing changes, I’m already encountering a different reality. Before I conclude from your behavior what I’m worth in your eyes or how important the relationship is to you, it’s worth checking if you knew what I expected. If you knew, the next question is no longer what I expected, but what was your response.

What happens when I’ve already asked?

I said what I want. I didn’t hint and I didn’t wait for you to guess. I asked clearly, maybe even more than once.

In this situation it’s easy to keep explaining. I’m looking for another phrasing, another way to make you understand how important this is to me. I tell myself that maybe I didn’t explain well enough, and that if I can describe to you exactly how much it hurts me, something will finally change.

In couples therapy I meet partners who conduct different versions of the same conversation for years. One of them is still trying to make the other understand something the other already understood long ago. At a certain point it’s worth replacing the question “How do I make you understand?” with a different question: “What response am I getting from you?”

The response is found in words and also in behavior over time. A person can say “Of course this is important to me” and do nothing. They can say “I’ll try” and continue in the same way. They can also say honestly: “I understand this is important to you, and I don’t want the same thing.” These are different responses, and it’s worth listening to them as they are.

It could be that you understood me perfectly, and you simply want something different

As long as I believe you didn’t understand me, I have something left to do: explain again. Maybe this time I’ll find the words that will make you see things like I do.

It’s much harder to discover that you understood me and still don’t want what I want. I want more time together and you want more time to yourself. I want us to manage money in a certain way and you think differently. I want more touch, more initiative, more conversations or more couple time, and you want a different amount or a different form of closeness.

Not every disappointment is a communication problem. Partners can understand each other very well and still want different things. This recognition takes away the option to solve every gap through another explanation. Now I’m required to meet the person across from me as they are and check what the meaning of this difference is for me.

I can ask you, I can’t make you want

I can say: “I want us to spend more time together. This is important to me.” I can explain why, ask, suggest a solution, hear what’s important to you and try to reach an agreement with you that we can both live with.

It’s much harder when I want you both to do something for me and to want to do it.

“I don’t want you to come because I asked. I want you to want to come.”

“If I were important to you, I wouldn’t have to ask.”

“I want it to be important to you too to spend time with me.”

I understand the pain in these sentences. Within a relationship we want to feel that the person we love wants us, thinks about us, chooses us and wants at least some of the things we want. Sometimes we also hold within the relationship expectations and contracts we haven’t put into words, and discover them only when the person across from us doesn’t fulfill what we thought they were supposed to know on their own.

There’s a limit to what I can demand from another person. I can stand behind my desire. I can ask you to respond to it. I can’t decide for you what you’ll want. This distinction allows me to see more clearly what I want, what you want and what happens between us when the two don’t meet.

My disappointment isn’t necessarily a problem that needs fixing

Therapeutic language can easily become a tool we use against ourselves. If I was hurt, maybe I’m too sensitive. If I was disappointed, maybe my expectations are too high. If I want more closeness, maybe I’m dependent. If it’s hard for me to accept what’s happening, maybe I just need to learn to let go.

I suggest stopping before these conclusions. It’s possible I want something very legitimate from my relationship and I’m not getting it. I asked clearly, maybe there was even an agreement between us, and the reality I encounter again and again doesn’t match it. It’s also possible I’m discovering that the person across from me doesn’t want or can’t be a partner in the kind of relationship I’m asking to build.

Disappointment can be an accurate response to a reality that doesn’t suit me.

Worthiness within a relationship allows me to recognize what’s important to me without being ashamed of my desire and without minimizing it to keep the peace. My desire also doesn’t obligate the person across from me to want the same thing. Now I’m left to figure out what I do when what’s important to me isn’t what you want or can give.

How many times can we have the same conversation?

“We’ve already talked about this a hundred times…” I hear this sentence quite a bit in the clinic. When the same conversation repeats again and again, I’m interested in what the partners are still hoping to achieve through it.

Maybe we still haven’t managed to understand each other, or the request comes out through anger, criticism and blame and therefore it’s hard to hear. In other cases we both already understand very well what each one wants, and the conversation continues in the hope that one of our answers will change.

If I said what I want, heard what you want, we tried to reach agreements and I saw over time what actually happens, it’s possible I already have enough information.

Another conversation isn’t always more communication. It can be a way to postpone the encounter with an answer that’s hard for me to accept. At this point the question is no longer how to explain better, but what I do with what I know.

What’s my part in the disappointment?

Disappointment can also turn the gaze toward me, without looking for blame. Maybe I knew something bothered me and I didn’t say. Maybe I said and then immediately took it back. Maybe I agreed to something that didn’t suit me to avoid confrontation. It’s possible I’ve been seeing the same reality for a long time and continue to hope it will change without me having to decide what I do about it.

The question that moves me forward is: “What do I want to do differently from now on?”

I’m not responsible for my partner’s choices. I am responsible for the way I respond to what I see, for the boundaries I set, for the requests I bring and for the choices I make within the relationship.