And What If Your Parents Will Never Give You What Was Missing? Bert Hellinger on Accepting Parents
And What If Your Parents Will Never Give You What Was Missing? Bert Hellinger on Accepting Parents
I am no longer waiting for my parents to change.
It took me many years to arrive at this sentence. The wish that they would see me differently, that they would understand, that they would acknowledge what hurt, that one day they might be able to give something they could not give before—it does not disappear simply because I became an adult woman. One can distance oneself from parents and still carry within the hope that they will one day be the parents we needed them to be.
The words of Bert Hellinger on accepting parents meet me exactly in this place. He suggests looking at the parents we have as they are, and taking from them what we have already received: life itself. For someone whose relationship with her parents was complex or painful, this sentence can touch a very deep place.
I know this place from my own life. I can know what hurt, what was missing, and what I needed to receive, and in the same breath recognize that these are my parents and that through them I received my life. I can see them as they are, without giving up on the way I see myself.
This is an important distinction for me: what I did not receive from them does not mean I was not worthy of receiving it. If they did not see me, it does not mean I was not worthy of being seen. If they did not know how to protect me, love me in the way I needed, or be a support for me, this absence tells something about what was possible for them. It does not determine my worth, and it does not have to determine what life I will build for myself.
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Accepting parents, as I read it in Hellinger, does not require me to turn the past into a different story. It allows me to stop waiting for the past to change so that I can turn my gaze toward my own life.
I translated the following text by Bert Hellinger several years ago. I return to it even today, because the question he places before us has remained alive for me: Can I accept my parents as they are, and take from them the life I received?
Bert Hellinger – Accepting Parents
In gratitude to the roots of life
Father and Mother, I accept everything you gave me,
Everything—the whole with all that comes with it.
You paid a heavy price, and so will I.
I accept everything with humility and gratitude.
From this great gift I received from you,
I will grow something new, something that will make you happy.
This legacy was not given to me in vain.
I will embrace it with honor,
If I can, I will pass it on, as you passed it to me.
My parents,
I accept you as you are,
And what you are able to give.
You are my roots,The people who are right for me,
And I am the offspring growing from you.
You are the great ones, and I am the small one.
You give, and I receive—
My father and my mother: I am glad you received one another.
You, the two of you together, are my foundation.
Bert Hellinger 16/12/1925 – 19/9/2019
To take life as it is, as I am
I return to these words of Hellinger and think about the distance between accepting my parents as they are and giving myself up in relation to them. In my eyes, these are two movements that can exist together. I can give my parents their place as my parents, and keep in my hands the responsibility for the distance, boundaries, and connection that are right for me today.
I can also stop measuring myself through what I received from them. A child who was not seen is not a child who was not worthy of being seen. A child who was not protected is not a child who was not worthy of protection. A child who did not receive love in the way she needed it is no less worthy of love.
My past remains part of me, and it does not have to make all the decisions for the woman I am today. I can recognize what was, see my parents as they are, and choose how I want to live, love, be in relationship, and take care of myself now.
This is the movement I take with me from this text of Hellinger. Less remaining with the question “When will they finally give me what was missing?”, and more turning my gaze toward the life already in my hands.
These are my parents, this is the life I received through them. Now I choose what to do with this life.
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