Life Will Not Follow Your Plan: Bert Hellinger on the Illusion of Control
Life Will Not Follow Your Plan: Bert Hellinger on the Illusion of Control
We plan our lives long before we know what they are planning for us. What our partnership will look like, what family we will build, what we will do, where we will live, how the children will grow, and what the coming years will look like. We choose, invest, make an effort, and try to influence the direction our lives are going.
Life itself is not bound by our plans. A relationship changes, someone we love grows distant, a plan we built falls apart, the body changes, something ends sooner than we thought. In this gap we meet the difference between our ability to influence our lives and the deep wish that they would unfold as we wanted.
In the text “Life,” Bert Hellinger takes this gap far. He writes about life that disappoints, takes, brings us down, deceives, frightens, breaks, and crushes. It’s a very sharp perspective, and in parts an absolute one.
I read this text carefully. I don’t know if every pain has a purpose, and I don’t assume that every difficult thing that happens to us arrived to teach us a lesson. I’m interested in a different question the text raises: What happens to us when we discover that life does not intend to obey us?
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I translated and uploaded the following text to the site a few years ago. I am leaving it here as it is.
Bert Hellinger – Life
Life disappoints
to help us stop living in illusions
and see reality as it is.
Life destroys everything superfluous,
until only what really matters remains.
Life doesn’t give us rest,
so that we stop fighting
and start accepting reality as it is,
in all its aspects – the beautiful and the challenging.
Life takes from us,
until we stop complaining
and start being grateful for what we have.
Life brings us people who tend to conflict
so that we can heal
and stop projecting outward what is within us.
Life allows us to fall again and again,
until we decide to learn the lesson and rise strongly.
Life deceives and sets up junctions,
until we stop wanting to control
and agree to flow like a river,
in freedom and liberation.
Life puts enemies in our path,
until we stop being reactive
and learn to act from inner peace.
Life scares us whenever it needs to,
so that we overcome fear
and restore faith in ourselves and the world.
Life takes away true love from us,
does not grant it or allow it,
until we stop wanting to buy it with decorations
and realize that it comes from within.
Life distances our loved ones from us,
until we realize that we are not this body
but the soul within it.
Life laughs at us many times,
until we stop taking ourselves so seriously
and learn to laugh at ourselves.
Life crumbles us into as many pieces as needed,
so that from them we can illuminate the light within us.
Life repeats the same message with blows and alarms,
until we start listening truly.
Life sends storms and lightning our way
so that we can wake up and discover the power within us.
Life humiliates and defeats us,
until we decide to let the ego die
and discover the humility and wisdom within us.
Life prevents us from having property and greatness,
until we stop wanting property and greatness
and start serving others with an open heart.
Life cuts off our wings and trims our roots,
until we no longer need wings and roots,
and we can soar from our very being.
Life prevents us from having miracles,
until we realize that everything is a miracle,
and every moment is an opportunity for wonder.
Life shortens our time,
so that we learn to live in the fullness of the moment,
to enjoy the present and make the most of every second.
Life despises us until we become nothing,
so that we become everything
and discover the unity within us.
Life doesn’t give us what we want,
but what we need to develop and empower ourselves.
Life hurts, pains, torments,
until we release the whims
and learn to enjoy the breath and simple existence.
Life hides treasures from us,
until we start the journey
and go looking for them with passion and curiosity.
Life prevents us from having God,
until we see Him in everyone and everything,
in every moment and every experience.
Life asks, takes, cuts off,
breaks, disappoints, crushes,
until only love remains within us.
Bert Hellinger 16/12/1925 – 19/9/2019
Accept Reality as It Is
I return to this text of Hellinger’s over the years, and with each reading a different sentence stays with me. This time I pause at his invitation to accept reality as it is.
We choose, plan, love, and invest, and yet not everything is in our hands. People we love choose their own path, relationships change, the body changes, plans fall apart, and life takes a different shape from the one we imagined.
I recognize this movement also from Family Constellation. We meet what was as it was: the parents we received, the losses, the relationships, and the family story into which we were born. The past remains in its place, and from acknowledging it we can turn our gaze to the life that exists now.
Life Will Not Follow Our Plan
Recognizing the limits of control does not cancel our choice. I can still choose, influence, change, set boundaries, and invest in what matters to me. I simply don’t also hold the choices of others and everything life will bring with it.
This question—where is my energy going—accompanies me also in reading Bert Hellinger’s Energy Prayer. How much strength is invested in fighting what already exists, and how much of it is available for life itself.
Perhaps this is the invitation I take with me from this text: to see what is, to honor what was, and to stand before life as it is.
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