Question 1

Why do couples who love each other deeply start to feel alone next to one another?

Accepted Answer

They sit in the same living room.Sleep in the same bed.Run a home together, children, entire lives.
From the outside, everything looks normal.
Only inside, something has already become more tense.
Conversations get shorter.Silences grow longer.One feels like they&#8217;re fighting for the relationship,and the other feels like they can&#8217;t breathe anymore.
What&#8217;s truly confusing is that it&#8217;s not always a decline in love—sometimes the opposite.Specifically in deep, long-term relationships, the gaps become sharper.Differences that once seemed small start to touch very exposed places in the body and soul.
Especially for women and men who grew up without a stable sense of belonging, or who live with disconnection from their families of origin, the relationship becomes much more than a partnership; it becomes the emotional home itself.When this home starts to feel distant, the entire nervous system goes on alert.

ניווט במאמר

Why do partners grow distant specifically after years together?
At the beginning of a relationship, falling in love holds so many things.It softens differences,blurs pain,gives a quick sense of belonging.
Suddenly there&#8217;s someone who sees you.Wants you.Chooses you.
For people who have carried an inner sense of loneliness for years, this can be an almost healing experience.
Only after years, life starts to peel away layers.
The children grow up,fatigue accumulates,careers change,parents age,sometimes grief enters the home too.
Within all of this, the partners no longer meet just each other—they meet everything each of them learned in childhood about love.Some learned that to receive attention you have to fight.Some learned that to survive it&#8217;s better to stay silent.Some learned that needing is weakness.Some learned that you can&#8217;t get angry.And some learned that if they&#8217;re truly themselves—they&#8217;ll be abandoned.
Why do many couples argue over and over about the same things?
Most couples aren&#8217;t really arguing about household order and cleanliness or who didn&#8217;t reply to a WhatsApp message—they&#8217;re arguing about the emotional meaning that arises beneath it.
For one, lack of response triggers a feeling of rejection,for the other, a demand for conversation triggers a feeling of suffocation.
One moves closer when they&#8217;re afraid,the other pulls away when they&#8217;re overwhelmed.
This creates the relationship cycle that so many couples know:the more one pursues connection,the more the other needs space.
Both want love.Both are afraid of losing connection.They simply protect themselves in different ways.
A client once said in the clinic:&#8220;When you&#8217;re silent I feel like I&#8217;m disappearing.&#8221; Her partner answered without looking at her: &#8220;When you talk like that I feel like I have no room to breathe.&#8221; Within those two sentences, entire lives were folded.
Why does the body react even before the argument starts?
This is one of the deepest things I encounter in couples work. People think they&#8217;re having an argument, when in reality their nervous system is already in survival mode: 
The chest contracts,the throat closes,the belly tightens,breathing becomes shallower.The person in front of you is no longer experienced in the body as a loving partner, but as someone you need to defend against.
In the ISP approach, we understand that the body doesn&#8217;t only react to what&#8217;s happening now—it also reacts to everything it remembers:loneliness,shame,rejection,helplessness,moments when there was no one to hold.
That&#8217;s why sometimes a small sentence within a relationship argument is experienced in the body as real danger.
Quite a few couples who come to me are certain that something in their relationship is broken, when in reality they&#8217;re encountering for the first time the burden the nervous system has been carrying for years.
Why are gaps in relationships especially strong for people with family disconnection?
For many such couples, the relationship isn&#8217;t just a connection—it&#8217;s the only place where there&#8217;s a sense of home.When there&#8217;s no stable family support,when there are no parents you can return to emotionally,when the sense of belonging rests almost entirely on the relationship—every small distance takes on much greater meaning.Silence can feel like abandonment.Temporary distance can feel like a threat to the relationship itself.Small criticism can open very old pain of: &#8220;I&#8217;m not important enough.&#8221;And then the partners find themselves reacting with intensities that don&#8217;t always match the situation itself.Not because they&#8217;re too dramatic—but because their body already knows what losing connection feels like.
What does family constellation reveal about gaps in relationships?
In family constellation, we understand that not every relationship reaction started in the relationship itself. Sometimes a woman fights for closeness, when deep down she&#8217;s fighting for her right to be important.Sometimes a man shuts down in the face of pain, when deep down he&#8217;s loyal to an entire generation of men who didn&#8217;t know how to ask for what they need.Sometimes one partner falls apart over a small conflict, because in the home where they grew up, confrontation always ended in emotional disconnection.
The gaps we see between partners aren&#8217;t always just personality differences;very often these are two very different life stories, trying to learn how to breathe together within the same relationship.When you look at it this way, something in the struggle starts to soften;you&#8217;re less occupied with the question of who&#8217;s to blame, and more with the question: What pain is asking for space within this relationship?
What is differentiation in relationships and how does it change a long-term relationship?
Differentiation is the ability to remain yourself within a relationship.To be able to say: &#8220;We&#8217;re different right now,&#8221; and still be able to stay close.This is one of the most complex abilities for people who grew up in insecure relationships, because many of us learned in childhood that love depends on adaptation:to be easy,to be strong,not to be a burden,not to need,not to feel too much,and then every relationship gap triggers an old question:&#8220;If I&#8217;m truly myself—will they still love me?&#8221;
Differentiation is not emotional distance.It&#8217;s the ability to stay connected to yourself, without losing connection with the person in front of you.
How does somatic therapy help deal with gaps in relationships?
In somatic therapy, we&#8217;re not just trying to calm pain—we&#8217;re trying to increase the body&#8217;s capacity to hold complexity.To hold closeness and distance together.Love and fear together.Anger and connection together.
This is the difference between just &#8220;calming down&#8221; and developing a nervous system that can stay present even within difference.
Such a system no longer has to fight so quickly, shut down so quickly, or flee from the relationship.Sometimes one partner is flooded with emotional water—tears, pain, need for connection.The other escapes to air—thoughts, explanations, emotional disconnection.Someone else enters fire—criticism, anger, attack.And their partner collapses from lack of earth—a feeling of instability, fear, confusion.
When you understand the body language of conflict, something deep starts to change.
What&#8217;s hidden beneath most relationship fights?
Most people aren&#8217;t really fighting about dishes in the sink. Beneath the conflict there&#8217;s usually a much deeper longing: 
&#8220;See me!&#8221;
&#8220;Choose me!&#8221;
&#8220;Tell me I&#8217;m important to you&#8221;
&#8220;Don&#8217;t leave me alone in this pain&#8221;
&#8220;Hold me even when it&#8217;s hard for me&#8221;
These are the truly deep places where a relationship opens or closes.
A small couples exercise that can create meaningful change
Next time you enter a familiar relationship loop, try to pause for a moment before the automatic response.Sit facing each other.Without solving.Without convincing.Without explaining who&#8217;s right.Each person answers three questions:

What&#8217;s happening in my body right now?
What am I most afraid will happen between us right now?
What am I really asking for beneath all the defenses?

You won&#8217;t always reach agreement—that&#8217;s not the goal either. The goal is to move from survival mode in the relationship to a state of genuine meeting.
What really holds a long-term relationship together?
Not the absence of gaps, not perfect compatibility, and not a life without conflicts.What holds a relationship together over the years is the ability of two people to remain human even in moments when they&#8217;re very different from each other.To stay curious,to stay present,to stay willing to see the fear beneath the anger,and the pain beneath the distance.
Right there, in the moment when you stop trying to change each other,a deeper intimacy can begin to emerge.
Relationship healing begins exactly at the moment when the body no longer has to choose between love and survival.
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Question 2

Between the Safe Room and the Kitchen - Existential Anxiety During War

Accepted Answer

Between the Safe Room and the Kitchen: A Lioness Without a Roar
Operation &#8220;Lion&#8217;s Roar&#8221; (Epic fury) speaks the language of power.But at home, between the safe room and the kitchen, a different kind of power exists.
Not the one that roars, but the one that stays, which can inspire the audience to see strength in subtlety and steadiness.The one that stays.
In this article, I share what happens to me when I don&#8217;t feel like a lioness, and how embracing quiet presence can foster genuine emotional resilience, helping the audience feel understood and less alone.

Article Navigation

What is existential anxiety during war?
Existential anxiety during wartime is a full-bodied life response. Recognizing it as a natural reaction can help the audience feel understood and less alone in their experience.
In such moments, the future shortens. Thinking becomes functional. The system seeks certainty, control, and signs of stable ground. The pulse rises, muscles tense, and attention narrows and becomes focused. This is a precise biological mechanism designed to ensure life.
Existential anxiety is not just fear of the current alarm. It is the fear of losing stability. To cope, you can practice grounding techniques, such as deep breathing or mindfulness, which help your body ask: Does the world still hold me? Recognizing this question can help you manage prolonged alertness and internal erosion.
Why do we react so differently from each other during alarms?
When the nervous system is activated, each of us leans on our primary regulation patterns-such as action or withdrawal-that we may not consciously recognize. Understanding these patterns can help you become more aware of your natural responses, improving your ability to manage emotions during wartime.
One person will go into action. They will organize, cook, arrange, and check the space again. Action creates an illusion of control and reduces helplessness. Another person will withdraw, go silent, or partially disconnect. Withdrawal reduces stimulation and minimizes overload.
In relationships, these differences can be perceived as criticism. The active one will see indifference in the withdrawn one. The withdrawn one will experience the active one as pressured or aggressive. In reality, both sides are trying to maintain stability.
The important insight here is the distinction: this is a system response. Not an intention to hurt. When we recognize that fear is speaking through the patterns, we restore choice. This is the beginning of differentiation within the storm.
Why does emotional eating intensify specifically during moments of alarm?
Eating during anxiety is a physical attempt to create security, which can help the audience feel less guilty about this natural response. Food signals resource availability. It marks to the system that there is enough to continue existing. Chewing and swallowing activate the body&#8217;s calming system and slightly reduce hyperarousal.
Sometimes there is a deeper layer: the body is not only reacting to the current threat but also to older bodily memories—experiences of scarcity, family stories of wandering, of uncertainty. Even if we have not experienced hunger or direct loss, the body carries a systemic memory of insecurity.
When the hand reaches for the refrigerator during an alarm, it is not just looking for food. It is looking for continuity. It is seeking to ensure that life goes on. Instead of self-criticism, you can ask yourself: Which part of me needs to know right now that there is enough?
This question opens the possibility of conscious regulation, rather than automatic survival.
How do you regulate the nervous system when the threat is ongoing?
Emotional regulation is not an act of self-persuasion. It is not saying that everything is fine. Regulation is expanding the ability to hold a feeling without being swept away by it.
The first step is direct recognition: I am afraid right now. This sentence separates the experience from the identity. It creates a small but significant distance between &#8220;I&#8221; and &#8220;the fear.&#8221;
The next stage is working through the body. An exhale longer than the inhale signals to the system that this moment does not require escape. Stable touch on the body—hand on the chest, hand on the belly—creates a sense of internal boundary. Attention to actual physical sensations brings focus back to the present.
Regulation is not the elimination of fear. It is carrying it in a dose that can be contained. As capacity grows, alertness naturally decreases. 
What happens to a relationship when there is no external support?
When there is no broad support network, partners become each other&#8217;s primary regulation system. Every emotional movement carries more weight. Silence is experienced as distance. Action is experienced as criticism. Sensitivity increases.
In such a situation, higher differentiation is required precisely when it is hard to achieve. Differentiation is the ability to stay connected without being absorbed by the other&#8217;s fear and without demanding they calm down at my pace.
The insight here is the understanding that the relationship is not meant to eliminate anxiety, but to carry it together. Caregivers and mental health practitioners can facilitate this by encouraging individuals to express their feelings in the first person—like &#8216;I feel overwhelmed&#8217;—which fosters internal clarity and shared resilience, even without external support. 
How do you build family resilience in a reality of uncertainty?
Family resilience is not fake stability. It is not pretending there is no fear. It is creating an emotional backbone within a complex reality.
Children do not need a parent who is not anxious. They need a parent who can hold anxiety without falling apart, &#8220;Yes, this is scary, and I am here,&#8221;: &#8220;Yes, this is scary, and I am here&#8220;—they create safe ground even when there are alarms.
Partial routine, basic order, age-appropriate conversation—these are not techniques. They are signs that the family system continues to function. Life has not stopped.
Resilience is built on continuity. Even small.
Between the Safe Room and the Kitchen
(Written in the safe room)
I move between the safe room and the kitchen.Between an alert and a pot.Between hypervigilance and the smell of something cooking.
The alarm siren sends me to open the refrigerator door.Grabbing something quickly to eat,fruit, bread, cheese—I&#8217;m not pickyhearing an ancient voice inside me telling me to eat now because who knows what will happen later.
This voice is older than me.It is not interested in balance—It is interested in life.In survival.It has a European melody.
Good morning, Sion. Your anxiety is back.Anxiety sends me to the refrigerator.
My existential anxiety is a need to do something to feel I have control.To move. To organize. To cook.To eat.
I cook a lot during the war.Pots on the stove give me a sense of control.Chopping vegetables gives me rhythm.
The smell fills the house and calms something I didn&#8217;t know how to calm with words,creates a sense of order for me.
Noticing that I am overwhelmed, and choosing to stay.A small movement from flooding back to the body.One deeper breath.One hand on the chest and the other on the belly.Simple recognition of the voice: I am afraid right now, which helps me feel understood and gentle with myself.

Hearing the voice that tells me &#8220;eat and drink for tomorrow we die,&#8221; not fighting it.Telling myself:&#8220;Thank you, dear body, for wanting to protect me.&#8221;Asking myself:What will help me now?Another bite, another pot, maybe a moment to sit and breathe?
Sometimes I eat,sometimes I stand in the kitchen and breathe deeply,feeling the cold floor beneath my feetbreathing againand entering the safe roomregulated.
What is true resilience during wartime?
Resilience isn&#8217;t about never feeling fear. It&#8217;s about managing fear without blaming others or disconnecting from yourself.
It is the ability to feel alert and say, &#8220;This is my system protecting me.&#8221;It is the ability to see your partner reacting differently and understand: this too is a way to stay alive.It is the ability to recognize an old pattern emerging and not panic from it.
Between the safe room and the kitchen, quiet resilience occurs. Not dramatic. It&#8217;s the strength of a deeper breath, a gentle hand on the chest, or a pot quietly cooking-subtle acts of stability that foster hope.
A lioness does not always roar. Sometimes she stays.
And that is a profound act of patience and stability, showing that resilience can be steady and enduring, not always dramatic.
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