Where Did the 36 Questions to Fall in Love Come From?

In 1997, psychologist Arthur Aron and his colleagues published research examining whether it’s possible to create a sense of closeness between two people through a structured process of mutual disclosure. Over approximately 45 minutes, participants answered questions and performed tasks that became increasingly personal. In the first study, participants who went through the process reported a higher sense of closeness afterward compared to participants who engaged in small talk.

Over the years, the exercise left the laboratory and earned the nickname “the 36 Questions to Fall in Love.” The original research dealt with interpersonal closeness and did not examine whether it’s possible to make two people fall in love within 45 minutes. In my view, the question it did examine is far more interesting for couples who have already lived together for years: What happens between us when we stop managing life for a moment and begin again to take interest in the person living beside us?

As a couples therapist, this is precisely the place that captures me in this exercise. There is no single magic question that creates intimacy. There is a gradual movement in which I tell you something about myself, listen to something about you, reveal another detail, expose another layer, and meet a person I may have thought I’d finished getting to know.

When Did We Stop Being Curious?

At the beginning of a relationship we ask a lot. We want to know where the person across from us came from, what he loves, what she fears, what kind of home he wants to build, what she dreams of doing, and what makes him feel loved. We still don’t know, and so we are curious.

Years of shared life fill in the gaps. We’ve been through sleepless nights together, holidays, children, crises, successes, disappointments, family meals, and thousands of ordinary days. We know a great deal about each other, and that knowledge is part of the closeness built between us. Alongside the familiarity can also settle the feeling that there isn’t much left to discover.

When I’m certain I already know who you are, I stop checking who you are today.

People change within a relationship. Something that was important to me ten years ago can take on a different meaning today, a new dream can appear, a fear can change, and something I never said can be waiting for a question no one has yet asked. Curiosity allows me to meet the person you are now, not only the person I learned to know over the years.

Intimacy Is Also Created in the Way We Listen

Disclosure is only one side of the encounter. If I told you something personal and you rushed to give me advice, explain why I’m wrong, or tell me about a similar experience of yours, you learned something new about me. The question is also how I felt while I was telling you.

When your partner answers the questions, try to stay a moment longer with the answer. You can ask “Is there something else you’d like me to understand?” or say “I didn’t know this was so meaningful to you.” There’s no need to solve, interpret, or reach a conclusion.

In my view, this is one of the places where closeness is built. I bring something of myself, and you manage to meet me without immediately taking what I told you and turning it into something you need to do with it. Then the roles switch, and I receive an opportunity to do the same for you.

Closeness Needs to Leave Room for Two People

The 36 questions become increasingly personal, so it’s important to remember that disclosure is a choice. One question can spark curiosity in one of you and feel too personal to the other. You can skip a question, pause, think, or say “I don’t want to talk about that right now.”

This moment too says something about intimacy. I can want to know you more and respect your pace. I can feel disappointed that you didn’t want to answer and still see that your boundary belongs to you.

Good closeness leaves two people in the room. Each of them arrives with their inner world, with their desires, with their boundaries, and with the possibility to choose what they want to bring to the encounter.

45 Minutes Without Talking About the Kids. Are You Ready to Discover Who’s Sitting Across from You?

You probably talk every day. About the kids, work, groceries, who’s picking up, who’s dropping off, what needs to be arranged, when to pay, and what to do this weekend. These conversations hold the shared life together, and they naturally take up a large part of the time you have together.

In the next 45 minutes you’re invited to leave household management aside. There’s no need to solve a problem in the relationship, make a decision, or reach an agreement. You’re about to ask each other 36 questions that move gradually from the easy to the personal.

Your challenge is not to reach question 36. The challenge is to listen as if you still don’t know what the answer will be.