In a stable and healthy relationship, there is more than love or habit. There is mutual visibility, emotional listening, and a sense of belonging that holds even when it is difficult. A deep relationship questionnaire is not just a communication exercise; it is a gateway to renewed connection, which strengthens not only love but also choice.
In this article, you will find 22 questions divided into five levels of belonging based on body, emotion, lineage, and culture, which will help you get back together. This is not a questionnaire “to save the relationship” but a practice that lays the foundations for reconnection, precisely from the most human and fragile places.
Understanding why this questionnaire works helps you see how deep listening and curiosity can transform your relationships and foster growth.
Relationships don’t improve from explanations alone but through deep listening and fostering emotional connection. The questions in this article are based on a central principle that John and Julie Gottman emphasize in their research: couples who maintain emotional curiosity over time build stronger bonds, and, as Julie Gottman emphasizes, couples who maintain emotional curiosity over time fare better in moments of crisis.
During decades of research on couples, the Gottmans discovered that the strength of a relationship isn’t measured by the ability to resolve conflicts, but by the ability to staydesigned to allow pausing reactivity (e.g., blame, criticism, or defensiveness) and returning to a state of soft,built to allow pausing reactivity (e.g., blame, criticism, or defensiveness) – and returning to a state of soft and curious inquiry. This is not a conversation out of demand – butmap of the connection, like a “love map” – a term John Gottman coined to describe our familiarity with our partner’s inner worldmapping of the connection, like a “love map” – a term John Gottman coined to describe our familiarity with the inner world of our partner.
At the same time, the constellative inspiration adds a lineage-and-roots dimension: what pain belongs to us,ge and root dimension: what pain belongs to us and what have we inherited? What can be released, and when can it be seen? The connection between the psychological and the inter-bodily (body-mind-lineage) gives depth, recognition, and breath to each question. When the questions are asked from a relaxed body, and not just an anxious head, they become transformative tools.
Every relationship starts from within. Before we ask how to improve the relationship, it is important to ask: What do I bring to it? Studies show that healthy couples know how to tell their life story not only as “we”, but also as “I”.
What in me lives from connection, and what in me operates from survival?
Do my choices in the relationship stem from authenticity – or from a need to feel loved at all costs?
Do I give myself emotional space in the relationship?
Do I forgive myself for who I was – and respect the path I have taken?
Am I able to feel worthy of love – even when I’m not excelling?
When there is no connection to myself, the relationship may become a correction arena rather than a space for growth.
According to relationship researcher John Gottman, strong couples identify when they are emotionally activated, stop, and choose to respond with compassion. Couple belonging is a delicate space between two people who hold space for themselves and for the relationship.
Who or what else is “present” in our relationship without us being aware of it?
Which voice from the past manages the dynamics between us?
Do I feel my pain—or project it outward?
Am I able to see my partner—even when they don’t see me?
Am I allowed to want closeness, even if I was taught at home that need is a weakness?
When was the last time we felt close—without solving anything?
Where do I get locked up precisely when I most want to get closer?
Which voices manage the conversation and do not really belong to us?
A real relationship questionnaire does not try to fix, but to feel, understand, and hold.
Parenthood is a deep emotional challenge, and the couple’s space within it may be eroded. Studies show that children who grow up in homes where couples maintain emotional communication feel more secure.
When was the last time we spoke as a couple and not just as parents?
How does each of us feel inside the home we created?
Do I experience a sense of value in the relationship or just endless functioning?
Even within the routine of life, it is permissible to return to being loved, not just partners.
In a family constellation, we learn to identify which patterns belong to us and which we have inherited. A deep couple connection requires precise emotional separation between the self and what was passed on in silence.
What messages did I inherit about love, worth, and commitment?
What was not said in the house where I grew up, but continues to manage me?
I’m willing to return items that aren’t mine so they’re available for a new choice.
A healthy relationship does not deny the past – but sets a boundary for it and presents a choice.
In a wearing culture, the relationship may become a field for projecting external frustrations. Gottman reminds us that circumstances also affect – not every difficulty is an emotional problem. Sometimes, it’s simply a response to an impossible social burden.
What roles have I taken on only because “that’s how it should be”?
What would I choose if there were no expectations from the outside?
What message do I want to convey to my children about love, closeness, and commitment?
The more aware we are of the broader context, the more a truly free choice becomes possible.
Recent studies by John Gottman indicate that couples with a stable, intimate relationship are not necessarily those with fewer conflicts, but those who know how to talk about the gaps between them with curiosity, respect, and empathy.
What builds couple intimacy over time is not a quick fix to a problem, but the ability to ask real questions and dwell in them together.
The family constellation also indicates that when old patterns we inherited from our families of origin receive a name, recognition, and proper placement, a new space of conscious emotional choice is created.
Through the questions in this article, you are not only exploring your relationship, but also giving each other one of the rarest gifts: space.
Just as a house is not built without foundations, so too a deep couple relationship is not built only on love, but on the agreement to recognize each other’s inner world, and to stand there, again and again, out of free will.
If you have started asking, it is a sign that you are on your way back not only to each other but also to yourselves, and this is the place from which a new relationship is born.
Expert in couples therapy for relationships without a supportive family safety net.
Developer of the Couples Constellation approach: a systemic-emotional therapy that brings the couple’s relational dynamics into contact with unspoken family patterns, alongside practical tools that enable movement, connection, and the creation of a deep partnership.
+
For people without a supportive family network.
We will reveal how the lack of a family network challenges and strengthens the couple's relationship, the high prices it exacts from you and your relationship.
Couples therapy will strengthen your sense of security and belonging, so you can be close without losing yourselves along the way.
Online / In-person clinic
+
Individual therapy is a safe space where you will rediscover your strengths, build inner confidence, and create a whole and meaningful life for yourself, just as you dream.
Online / In-person clinic
+
You are invited to enter a unique space: an interactive conversation with special GPTs I created – a first-of-its-kind tool that looks inward with you in the language and frequency of the systemic constellation.
If there is something unresolved in your relationship, family, or heart – the chat will gently meet you without trying to fix it, inviting a different, slow, precise, and quiet perspective. There is no need to understand, just to see and let it work.
Let’s start with a brief introductory call, free of charge and commitment.
Sometimes, this small step changes everything.
The sessions take place
online via Zoom / face-to-face in Tivon, according to your choice
