When Words Hurt: About Verbal Violence in Toxic Relationships and What Can Be Done to Change
- Sivan Avni
- Apr 13
- 5 min read
Updated: 1 day ago
Toxic Relationships
"But I don’t hit her," Yuval told me, confused. "So what if I shout and curse when I’m angry? Everyone has moments like that. It’s not like I hurt her."Maybe I’m exaggerating. I don’t even know if this is the problem," Dana added softly. "But when it happens, I feel like a shadow of myself. Like there’s no room for me to be me."
Verbal abuse in relationships is not always overt. It can begin with a silence that shatters, a subtle edge of criticism that slips in, or the first instance when someone feels diminished.
What Is Verbal Abuse in a Relationship?
Verbal abuse is often a subtle, almost invisible dynamic. It begins with small jabs—"I was just joking," "You’re always so sensitive"—and develops into repeated harm that blurs the line between expression and aggression.
It’s often dismissed as 'not so bad' or 'tolerable,' but the truth is: abuse is abuse, and it should never be normalized.
Verbal abuse isn’t just a “relationship issue”; it’s a harmful pattern that distorts the connection, hurts both partners, and damages their sense of belonging and self-worth.
Verbal abuse is not just about shouting. It’s about using words to control, belittle, and dominate. This language shrinks the other person’s space, weakens intimacy, and deepens feelings of loneliness and worthlessness. Even without physical signs, verbal abuse can leave lasting emotional scars.
Here are five signs of verbal abuse in a toxic relationship:
Ongoing Criticism: “Why do you always do it that way? You don’t understand anything.”
Yelling and Threatening Tone: “How dare you talk to me like that?”
Mockery and Humiliation: “You’re so stupid. Who would ever want you?”
Emotional Punishment: Long silences meant to cause pain.
Control and Coercion: Dismissing autonomy or restricting freedom.
The Emotional Structure of Verbal Abuse
Every relationship balances between closeness and autonomy. In verbally abusive dynamics, those boundaries become blurred—criticism and judgment become tools to maintain power.
Often, what lies beneath every harmful word is an unresolved emotional history. Verbal abuse can be an unconscious replication of childhood patterns. A child who grew up in a home where words were used as weapons may repeat this behavior in adult relationships, without meaning to.
Dana and Yuval came to therapy after years of shouting and put-downs. When raised in a home where yelling was the "norm," Yuval didn’t understand why Dana was so hurt. Dana thought maybe she was too sensitive. In therapy, they discovered that Yuval’s hurtful words stemmed from his fear of not being understood, and Dana felt erased by them. As they understood the pain behind the pattern, they slowly began talking honestly for the first time in years.
How Common Is Verbal Abuse in Relationships?
In Israel:
1 in 10 people experience abuse in their relationships (verbal, physical, or financial).
One hundred forty-two thousand women reported partner violence last year, many involving severe abuse.
Verbal abuse is widespread: 9% of women reported ongoing belittlement or economic control.
Who Are the Abusers?
Both men and women may use verbal abuse. However, in chronic patterns, it is more commonly men.
The root is often fear of abandonment, vulnerability, or a lack of tools for healthy emotional expression.
The Destructive Cycle: How It Unfolds
Imagine a relationship where one partner constantly needs to diminish the other. Each criticism, each scoff, each cold silence reinforces a cycle: the abuser gains a sense of control; the victim retreats into themselves, often feeling fear, guilt, or worthlessness.
This conflict isn’t just between partners—it’s within each person. Unprocessed trauma, unspoken fears, and childhood wounds all fuel this inner battlefield, which plays out painfully in the couple’s daily lives.
How Does Verbal Abuse Affect the Relationship?
For the abused partner:
Loss of self-worth: “Maybe he’s right. Maybe I’m not good enough.”
Constant anxiety: “If I say something, it’ll only get worse.”
Emotional withdrawal: The victim closes off, leaving the relationship empty of intimacy.
For the abusive partner:
Shame and guilt: Which can drive further control attempts.
Loss of intimacy and connection: Emotional disconnection deepens with every harmful word.
How Does This Impact the Children?
Oren came to therapy after realizing he was repeating the patterns of his childhood. “My dad always yelled at my mom. I hated it, but I catch myself doing the same. My six-year-old is starting to fear me, and I can’t let that happen.”
Children hear and absorb everything. When exposed to verbal abuse, they internalize it as a model for love. They learn:
That yelling, belittling, and long silences are “normal” in relationships.
To fear expressing themselves or believe they cause the fights.
Patterns of people-pleasing, repressed anger, or deep insecurity may follow them into their adult relationships.
Healing the Cycle – Personal and Relational
Inner Listening: Change begins with self-awareness. Emotional differentiation—the ability to stay connected to ourselves even in conflict—is essential for breaking toxic cycles.
Ask yourself:
How do I feel when someone supposed to love me speaks to me this way?
What do I feel when I speak that way to others?
What emotions lie beneath fear? Frustration? Helplessness?
How does it feel on the other side?
What would my child learn about love from hearing these conversations?
What do I want to change to make my home a safe, loving space?
Pause the Pattern in Real Time: Take a breath. Count to five. If anger rises, say: "I need a moment to breathe before I respond."
Taking Responsibility: Self-Recognition
If you’re the one causing harm:
Recognizing it is a courageous first step. It doesn’t mean you’re bad—it means you’ve learned a damaging pattern that needs to change.
Start by:
Acknowledging the shame: Hurting words often come from deep pain. Ask, “What am I feeling when I yell?”
Seeking help: Personal or couples therapy can help unravel these roots and build healthier tools.
Committing to change: “I understand I’ve hurt you, and I want to learn another way to communicate.”
If you’re being hurt:
This is not your fault. You deserve respect.
Set boundaries:
Reflect: “How do I feel after these conversations?”
Express your needs: “When you speak to me like that, I feel hurt and small. I need you to speak to me respectfully.”
Don’t isolate: Talk to a trusted friend, family member, or professional. You need support to stay safe and rebuild confidence.
Rebuilding Boundaries
Healthy boundaries are not punishments—they’re invitations for healing. Boundaries say: “This is what I need to stay connected to myself and you.”
Define what’s acceptable: “I won’t accept abusive language. Let’s talk when we’re calm.”
Create respectful dialogue: Instead of “You’re always wrong,” try: “I feel misunderstood and want to talk about it.”
Couples Therapy: A Safe Space for Change
Couples therapy offers a space to explore these patterns safely. Through approaches like Differentiation-Based Therapy and Family Constellation Work, couples can uncover the emotional roots of their dynamics, work through childhood wounds, learn healthy communication, and rebuild trust.
Words can wound—but they can also heal.
Relationships are not just made of conflicts or sweet moments—they are intricate systems in which every word echoes throughout the family. When words turn violent, they hurt the couple, the children, the extended family, and our sense of self.
Verbal abuse is not a death sentence for a relationship. It is a sign that something is broken and can be a wake-up call. We can start building something new if we’re brave enough to stop, listen, and see what lies beneath.
If this speaks to you and you want to explore how to break painful patterns and create a strong, loving relationship, I invite you to begin a journey of healing and reconnection. We can change how you speak, feel, and live with each other.
🪬🪬🧄🧅Sivan Avni - Systemic Process-Oriented Couple Constellation
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