Imagine the moment when the glass is shattered under the chuppah… Have you ever stopped to think about the deep symbolic meaning of that moment? The destruction of the Temple is not just a distant historical memory; it may reflect the small destructions that occur in our relationships today. Traces of a 2,000-year-old collective trauma are present in your relationship, leading to tensions and conflicts that threaten your connection.
The Jewish marital home begins with the words "If I forget you, O Jerusalem, let my right hand forget its skill..." and the breaking of the glass in memory of the destruction of the two Temples. From this, we learn that the collective trauma of Tisha B’Av has been present in our relationships for two thousand years, making it difficult for us to build our marriages on solid foundations. But, as Bert Hellinger said, "Love flourishes when personal conscience and social norms submit to the orders and hidden symmetry of love." When we understand the deeper orders that govern our relationships, we can move from destruction to construction, rebuilding our connection on a foundation of love and deep understanding.
How Does Collective Trauma Affect Your Marriage?
Collective trauma, like that caused by the destruction of the Temple, can permeate our collective consciousness, passing down pain and suffering from generation to generation. These traumas may manifest in recurring emotional and behavioral patterns, even in our marriages.
In his book It Didn’t Start with You, Mark Wolynn describes how unresolved traumas can be embedded in our genetic memory and passed on to our descendants. These patterns may manifest in relationships through feelings of disconnection, fear of abandonment, lack of trust, or communication difficulties. This creates an internal sense of destruction within the marital system, even when the true source of the pain is unrecognized.
The Story of Ben and Idit: A Journey from Feelings of Destruction to Strengthening the Relationship
Ben and Idit, a couple in their early 50s, came to therapy feeling distant from each other. The sense of disconnection between them did not stem only from communication difficulties or current disagreements – it was deeply rooted in the traumas they brought with them from the past, traumas that had taken root in their families and were passed down from generation to generation.
Ben carries with him a multi-generational family trauma. Ben’s grandparents lost their home during the Holocaust, along with most of their family. After the war, they immigrated to Israel and started their lives anew, but the feelings of destruction and loss never left them. The home they built in Israel was always in a state of insecurity, as if something could happen again at any moment. This feeling was passed on to the next generation and became an integral part of the family atmosphere in which Ben grew up. These feelings manifested in Ben’s marriage as a constant fear of loss and a persistent need for control to prevent the recurrence of destructive experiences.
Idit, on the other hand, carries an equally painful personal story. Her father was killed in a war when she was an infant, and her mother remarried and started a new family. Although they tried to give Idit a warm and loving home, she always felt like an outsider, as if she didn’t truly belong. The new home her mother built could not fill the void left in her heart by the loss of her father. Idit grew up feeling disconnected, not fully part of the family, and this sense of alienation followed her throughout her life.
These feelings resurfaced in Idit’s marriage to Ben. She felt distant, struggled to connect with him, and felt as if she was living next to him but not really with him. These feelings of not belonging and disconnection were not immediately understood, but through family constellation work, Idit was able to understand the connection between her family’s past and her current feelings. She was able to identify her personal sense of destruction and release the emotional baggage she had been carrying.
Ben, in turn, realized during therapy how his fears and anxieties were related to the family trauma passed down to him through the generations. He learned to let go of his need for control and his constant fear of loss and began to develop a sense of security in his relationship with Idit.
Together, Ben and Idit began to rebuild their relationship, becoming more aware of the family and personal patterns they had brought into their marriage. They learned how to communicate more openly, share their fears and concerns, and build a new marital home together on foundations of love, listening, and care. This process not only strengthened their marriage but also gave them a renewed sense of hope for a shared future, where they could experience genuine closeness and intimacy.
(The real names and all identifying details have been changed to protect the couple's privacy.)
Strengthening Your Relationship: How to Build a Stable Marital Home on Foundations of Love, Listening, and Care?
To build a stable marital home, we must identify the emotional and behavioral patterns that lead to destruction. As mentioned, these patterns may be rooted in personal and familial traumas passed down through the generations. This is where family constellation therapy comes in – a therapeutic method that helps identify and release these patterns. Bert Hellinger, the founder of the method, said: "Love can only flourish when it is embedded in order." For strengthening your relationship, order in the marital system begins with mutual understanding and recognition of the pain and wounds that each partner carries. Family constellation-based couples therapy allows partners to release these burdens and begin to rebuild their relationship on healthy foundations of love, listening, and care.
A Simple Couples Exercise:
To start building your relationship on strong foundations, I recommend a simple exercise:
Sit together in a quiet place, and take turns sharing a moment when you felt a deep connection with your partner. The goal is not just to remember the moments of love but also to hear your partner’s perspective on what created that moment. This way, you can begin to identify the foundations that already exist in your relationship and start strengthening them.
How Does Differentiation Contribute to Strengthening the Relationship?
In addition to family constellation work, the approach of differentiation also plays an important role in building a stable and healthy relationship. Differentiation is the ability to maintain your authenticity within the marital relationship without sacrificing closeness. Hellinger emphasized: "To truly love, we must learn to listen to our soul, to discern between what the soul loves and needs and the social and cultural pressures around us." Differentiation allows each partner to remain true to themselves while being in a close and intimate relationship.
How to Maintain Your Authentic Self Within the Relationship?
I recommend that each partner write down what their authenticity means – what are the values and personal needs that are most important to them? Then, share it with your partner and discuss how you can integrate these values in a way that allows each of you to feel whole within the relationship.
How to Sustain the Newly Built Relationship Over Time?
The next challenge is to sustain the newly built relationship over time. To sustain the new relationship over time, it is important to continue nurturing the foundations of love, listening, and optimism. It’s crucial to maintain open communication, be attentive to both personal and relational needs, and ensure that each partner feels recognized and appreciated for their contribution to the relationship. Love, as Bert Hellinger noted, is the force that holds everything together.
A Checklist for Assessing Your Relationship:
Once a month, I recommend that each couple sit down together and assess their relationship using the following questions:
What are the strengths of our relationship?
Are there areas where we feel we are drifting apart?
How can we strengthen our connection in the coming period?
These questions can serve as a practical tool for couples who want to maintain a strong and healthy connection over time, allowing them to discover areas where there is room for improvement and growth.
How Can You Move from Destruction to Reconstruction in Your Relationship?
If you feel that your relationship is in a state of destruction, now is the time to stop and ask: How can we turn this situation into an opportunity for reconstruction? How can we replace resentment and tension in the relationship with the building blocks of love, listening, and optimism?
Moving from a mindset of destruction to one of reconstruction requires joint effort and the use of tools like family constellation therapy and differentiation, which allow couples to reconnect and rebuild their relationship on strong and healthy foundations.
Summary: How to Start Building Your Marital Home on Strong and Healthy Foundations?
If you find yourself facing challenges in your relationship and a sense of destruction, now is the time to take the first step toward rebuilding your relationship. Through family constellation therapy and differentiation, you can learn how to release old patterns and start building your relationship on a foundation of love, listening, and optimism.
I invite you to contact me to schedule a session and begin the process of healing and reconstruction. Additionally, you can sign up for my monthly newsletter to receive fascinating content directly to your inbox – insights, practical tools, and inspiration for better relationships.
Sivan Avni, Couples and Family Counselor, Couples Therapy Based on Family Constellation and Differentiation. Clinic in Kiryat Tivon and Online.
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