Interview with Bert Hellinger on the depths of family dynamics, 1999.

The Soul of the Family: A Journey into Systemic Healing

This article is based on an original interview conducted by Humberto del Pozo with Bert Hellinger, published in September 1999 on innerartsinstitute.com. You’ll read my adapted and edited version, crafted with care and clarity to make the insights accessible and emotionally resonant.

What if the pain we carry isn’t ours alone? What if some stories shaping our lives were written generations before birth?

In my clinic, I often meet women and men who feel a deep inner pull—a sadness they can’t name, a recurring conflict in their relationship, or a physical symptom that defies explanation. They’ve tried talking it out, reasoning through it, even rising above it, but something in them still aches.

That’s where Family Constellation work, developed by Bert Hellinger, enters the room—not just as a method, but as a quiet revolution.

What is the "Soul" of the Family?

Hellinger noticed something radical in his therapeutic work: families are governed by a collective soul or conscience, an invisible web that binds members across generations. When someone is excluded, forgotten, or shamed—whether it's a stillborn child, an estranged parent, or a lover who was never acknowledged—the family system seeks balance. And it often does so through the suffering of the next generation.

Imagine a son who unconsciously lives out the fate of an uncle who died young and was never mentioned. Or a daughter who develops eczema after unknowingly taking on the pain of a stepmother who was never welcomed.

We give these hidden dynamics a chance to surface in a constellation session. Representatives are intuitively chosen and placed in the room to embody family members. What unfolds is often profoundly moving: emotions arise, truths are felt without words, and long-silenced voices are finally heard.

The Healing Principle: Belonging

Every person has a right to belong. When someone is pushed out—whether through denial, silence, or judgment—the family soul seeks to restore them. Often, this restoration shows up as a child entangled in a fate that isn’t theirs.

We don’t do this consciously. The family soul "chooses" who will carry the burden. Typically, it’s the most vulnerable—the youngest, the most sensitive, the one who can’t say no.

However, healing happens when we include what was excluded, when we say, “You belong, " when the first wife is honored by the second, when the deceased sibling is remembered, and when the grandfather’s pain is acknowledged instead of buried.

Illness, Loss, and Love That Echoes

Some symptoms—migraines, heartache, chronic fatigue—aren’t just medical. They’re love letters to our lineage, saying: I’ll carry this for you. I’ll follow you.

In my work, I’ve seen eczema vanish after reconciliation between two women in a system. I’ve witnessed suicidality ease when a child stops trying to follow a deceased sibling. I’ve felt the room shift when a father turns to his ex-wife’s representative and says, "I honor you."

These are not magic tricks. They are rituals of realignment with a more profound truth: that love, even when twisted by trauma, still seeks expression.

LGBTQ+ Stories and the Family System

What about those whose identities don’t fit the traditional mold? Hellinger observed that in families where a daughter died and only sons remained, one son might unconsciously take on a feminine role. This doesn’t "cause" homosexuality, but it shows us how systemic gaps can shape identity.

In my clinic, LGBTQ+ clients don’t come to change who they are. They understand how to be more of who they are, freed from entanglements that made them feel like outsiders even in their homes.

Addiction: The Cry for Belonging

Addiction often carries the weight of unspoken family pain. A child may use substances to rebel against a parent’s disowned grief or to feel close to a father who was rejected.

Interestingly, healing sometimes begins when a male therapist helps a man reconnect with his father line—not to glorify it, but to reclaim the strength and dignity in his roots.

What Now?

If you feel a pattern repeating in your life—an ache, a block, a silence—maybe it’s not just about you. Perhaps it’s an invitation to turn toward the family soul with curiosity, compassion, and courage.

Family Constellation work is not about blame. It’s about belonging. It’s about saying: You have a place. I have a place. We all belong.

If this resonates with you, I invite you to schedule a gentle and clarifying introductory session. Together, we can listen to what your system longs to tell.

You are not alone in this. The roots go deep—but so does the healing. And when one person turns toward wholeness, the entire forest breathes a little easier.

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🪬🪬🧄🧅Sivan Avni - Systemic Process-Oriented Couple Constellation