How to identify patterns of toxic relationships and break out of repetitive cycles

We often find ourselves repeatedly drawn back to the same dynamics– falling into the same patterns and returning to the same feelings. This has happened in different relationships over the years and in the same relationship with our current partner. Such cycles create a sense of discomfort, perhaps even a slight despair, as if there is no other choice. However, understanding these patterns can bring relief, opening the door to breaking free and creating space for a deeper, healthier connection.

What are the patterns of toxic relationships – and how do we recognize them?

Understanding and identifying these patterns allows us to regain control and steer our relationships towards health and happiness.

Emotional dependence and lack of autonomy

One typical pattern is increased emotional dependency, which manifests itself in the feeling that we constantly need to "keep it quiet" in a relationship, not make waves so that things remain "okay." Often this means giving up parts of ourselves, downplaying who we are. For example, Shiri gave up hobbies and friendships to avoid friction with her partner, even if it meant losing essential parts of her identity.

Lack of trust and fear of emotional exposure

Fear of being exposed in a relationship leads to a fundamental lack of trust and a feeling that we cannot be “us.” Yuval, for example, felt that he could not share deep thoughts or difficulties with his partner because any such attempt would be met with criticism or disregard. Over time, he found himself emotionally distancing himself and hiding his feelings.

Domineering behavior and control patterns

Toxic relationships can involve constant control and criticism, which limits the personal freedom of each partner. Michal, for example, felt compelled to report every move or avoid social interactions to not anger her partner, making their relationship a frustrating and depressing place for her.

Where do these patterns come from?

Childhood influences and previous connections

Such patterns often stem from early relationships, especially relationships with significant figures in childhood. Yoav, for example, grew up in a home where he had to please his parents to gain love. Years later, he finds himself in relationships where he repeatedly compromises his personal needs to maintain external harmony.

Unconscious internal beliefs about love and relationships

We may not always be aware of it, but internal beliefs about love, like “true love requires sacrifice” or “if we don’t fight for a relationship, it’s not real,” can keep us stuck in relationships that aren’t good for us. Such beliefs are ingrained in us and lead us to sacrifice ourselves repeatedly.

Unconscious expectations from your partner

We often expect our partners to fill a similar role to that of significant figures in our childhood, thus repeating painful dynamics. These expectations frequently create cycles of frustration because they come from a need rooted in the distant past.

So, how can we break the repeating cycles and build a healthy relationship?

Identifying patterns in everyday situations

It is vital to start noticing patterns that repeat in routine and emotionally charged situations. Ask yourself:

• "What makes us go back to those reactions?"

• "Does our behavior in these moments reflect what we truly want for ourselves?"

Changing internal beliefs about worthiness and acceptance

To break the cycle, we need to examine our guiding beliefs. Remember that healthy love does not require constant self-sacrifice but includes respect, mutual acceptance, and understanding. Allow yourself to recognize statements that reinforce your value, such as:

• "We deserve love that respects who we are."

• "Our relationship can be a safe and inclusive place, without giving up on ourselves."

Developing healthy boundaries and a sense of couple autonomy

In healthy relationships, personal boundaries allow us to bring our whole selves to the relationship. By setting and maintaining healthy boundaries, we can feel empowered and respected, and our relationships can become more supportive and respectful.

How can I start today?

To begin the process, you are invited to choose one small step where you will notice patterns. This could be an internal dialogue about what you deserve, or a recording of your feelings when a situation arises that feels familiar and uncomfortable. Even such a small step will clarify what you want to change in the relationship.

An invitation to a process of breaking old patterns

Imagine yourself as a tree replanted in stable, supportive soil. As your roots strengthen, you grow upward together, with a strength and confidence that empowers you and expands your connection.

Breaking the cycle of toxic relationships is a process in which you learn to know yourself through the relationship, identify the forces that drive the patterns, and build relationships that strengthen your security and personal value. If you recognize yourself in the patterns I described, it is time to consider couples counseling to help you break free from them. Within a therapeutic process, we can explore the experiences that activate these patterns, understand what is needed to create change, and build the relationship you deserve. We can rediscover your sense of security and value as a couple and open space for a relationship that strengthens and empowers both of you.

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🪬🪬🧄🧅Sivan Avni - Systemic Process-Oriented Couple Constellation