How to deal with feelings of guilt after breaking up with a toxic relationship?

Have you found yourself asking yourself repeatedly, "Did I do enough to save this relationship?" Maybe the breakup could have been avoided.

These feelings are not unique to you. They are relatively common and very complex emotions that many individuals experience after a breakup from a toxic relationship. Understanding these feelings can help alleviate the sense of isolation and self-blame that often accompanies them. In this article, we will delve into the origins of these feelings of guilt, identify their sources, and provide tools to release the guilt and rediscover a sense of security and self-compassion.

Why do feelings of guilt appear after breaking up with a toxic relationship?

Internalizing the criticism and blame we received from the relationship:

In toxic relationships, we often feel like every criticism or failure is directed at us. After a breakup, this sense of guilt can run deep and become an emotional pattern that continues with us even after the relationship has ended. Such criticism leaves us with the feeling that perhaps we are the problem and that something fundamental about us needs constant improvement.

The belief that perhaps the relationship could be "fixed":

A breakup often brings up feelings that maybe we didn't do enough. Couples who break up from toxic relationships often feel that if only they had tried a little more or compromised, things would have worked out. This is a burdensome belief, and it leaves us in recurring cycles of regret and self-torment.

Emotional dependence and loss of sense of self:

In toxic relationships, emotional dependency often occurs, which makes us feel like the relationship is the center of our lives. After the breakup, an emotional void is created, a feeling of emptiness and loss, that brings a sense of loss of meaning, leading us to experience guilt for 'not doing enough' to maintain the relationship.

How can you identify the source of guilt and start releasing it?

Identifying burdensome beliefs and separating from them:

Guilt often stems from beliefs ingrained in us over the years. One of the first steps is to identify these beliefs, like “I’m not good enough if I can’t keep up,” and examine them. Ask yourself: Is this belief true? What does it require of me? And what would change if I were to let go of it?

Building renewed self-confidence:

After leaving a toxic relationship, we must regain confidence and feel we're doing the right thing for ourselves. Repeat empowering phrases like: ' I deserve a relationship that respects me just as I am.' 'I did the best I could, and that's enough.'

• "I deserve a relationship that respects me just as I am."

• "I did the best I could, and that's enough."

Strengthening Personal Identity and Independence:

To regain strength after a breakup and feel whole again, focus on restoring your sense of self, who you are, without external influences. Invest in hobbies and activities that bring you joy and reconnect you with the person you were before the relationship. The more you invest in yourself, the more you will rediscover your value and uniqueness, independent of someone else's approval.

How can we restore our sense of security and self-worth?

Instead of continuing to feel regret or criticism, try practicing self-compassion. Now is the time to remind yourself that the breakup was the right choice for your well-being and to see it as another step in your growth. Repeat empowering affirmations such as:

• "I make decisions for my good."

• "Even if mistakes were made, they are part of my growth."

A first step toward change – to start releasing feelings of guilt, try beginning a personal journal where you write down your emotions and thoughts. Seeing things written down can help clarify the source of your guilt and allow you to differentiate between authentic emotions and internalized external criticism.

Let go of guilt and make room for growth.

Imagine yourself placing heavy stones of guilt on the seashore, watching them dissolve in the waves, and allowing yourself to rise again with freedom and vitality.

Releasing guilt after a toxic relationship is a significant part of the journey to regaining inner wholeness. If guilt still weighs you, remember that you are not alone. Seeking therapy can be a profound journey of liberation and renewed confidence. It's an opportunity to understand the source of your guilt, strengthen your sense of self and worth, and create a foundation of inner security through acceptance and compassion. This is a hopeful step towards letting go of what no longer serves you and making room for growth and new beginnings.

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🪬🪬🧄🧅Sivan Avni - Systemic Process-Oriented Couple Constellation