Family Triangles in Bed: How Past Patterns Influence Our Intimacy and Sexuality in Relationships?

What is the connection between family triangles and our sexuality?

The bed is one of the most personal spaces in our relationships – it’s where we are most exposed, vulnerable, and close. However, when patterns from our family triangles begin to seep into this intimate space, they can become a barrier that prevents us from connecting fully and authentically.

Unbeknownst to us, the patterns of control, avoidance, or feelings of unworthiness that stem from our family triangles continue to shape our behavior in the intimate space of our sexual relationships. Understanding this link can open doors to growth and improvement in our sexual relationships..

This article aims to shed light on how family triangles govern our sexuality and, more importantly, how we can identify and address these patterns to foster deep, authentic intimacy and sexual connection.

How Do Family Triangles Govern Our Intimacy and Sexuality?

Patterns from our family triangles can enter the most intimate spaces of our relationships in subtle yet powerful ways. They can dictate how we surrender, open up, or protect ourselves within sexual connection.

For instance, Noa and Yuval came to me for couples therapy because they were struggling with feelings of distance and disconnection in their sexuality. Noa felt that she couldn’t be present in the sexual moment, while Yuval sensed that he couldn’t understand what was truly going on with her. Upon exploration, it emerged that Noa grew up in a home where she was responsible for soothing her parents' conflicts. She learned to use her "sexuality" as a means to receive attention and approval, which led her to feel disconnected from her true desires. Yuval, on the other hand, grew up in a home where his parents were strict and emotionally distant, and he learned to meet their demands to receive love. During therapy, they realized that the patterns from their family triangles were preventing them from being present, vulnerable, and authentic in their sexual space. Thanks to the process, they began to release these influences and find a way to connect freely and genuinely.

3 Ways Family Triangles Affect Our Intimacy and Sexuality

1. Difficulty Being Fully Present in the Sexual Moment: If you grew up in a family where you were caught in the middle of parental conflicts or had to manage family tensions, you might find it hard to be completely present during sexual encounters. Instead of feeling connected to the present moment and your partner, you may find your mind wandering or focusing on other thoughts, which prevents you from experiencing a complete connection.

2. The Feeling That We Must Please in the Bedroom to Receive Love or Approval: Another common pattern is the need to please or conform to our partner's expectations in bed, to feel loved and valued. This stems from an ingrained need for attention and approval, likely embedded in us through our family triangles. Acting from this place can stop us from expressing our true desires and allowing our sexuality to be free and authentic.

3. Using Sexuality as a Means to Avoid Conflicts: In some cases, sexuality becomes a tool for avoiding conflicts, as a way to maintain relational balance. Instead of facing pain, disagreements, and fears with our partner, we might use sex to “smooth things over.” In such situations, rather than fostering a genuine connection, sexuality turns into a defense mechanism against confrontations that could shake the relationship.

How to Release Family Triangles and Create Genuine Sexual Intimacy

3 Steps to Creating an Authentic and Liberated Sexual Connection:

1. Practice Presence and Awareness in the Sexual Moment: To free yourself from the past, start by practicing entire presence during intimate moments with your partner. Focus on your breathing, the sensations in your body, and the connection between you, and become aware when thoughts of the past begin to surface.

2. Have an Open Conversation About Family Triangles and Their Impact on Your Sexuality: Sit down together and share how the patterns from your family triangles have affected your sexual connection. This honest sharing can be the first step in releasing unconscious patterns.

3. Express Your Desires and Boundaries Honestly and Courageously: Practicing honesty within the sexual space is the key to freeing yourself from the need to please. Share with your partner what truly feels good, what is important to you, and what boundaries you need to feel safe and liberated. This is the first step toward forming a connection founded on genuine love, rather than past patterns.

A Couple's Exercise for Releasing Family Triangles and Creating New Intimacy

Step 1 – Physical Presence: Sit together, look into each other’s eyes, and try to practice being fully present for five minutes. Focus on the gaze, the breathing, and the physical connection between you. Feel how you connect to the present moment and let go of the past.

Step 2 – Desires and Boundaries: Each of you should separately write down three things you love and need in your sexual space, as well as three boundaries that are important to you. Then, share your lists and discuss how you can integrate these desires and boundaries to create a new, liberated sexual connection.:

So, How Will You Release Family Triangles from Your Sexuality?

When we identify and release the influences of family triangles on our sexuality, we can transform our sexual space into one that truly reflects who we are, free from masks and fears, and filled with love and connection. This process is empowering and inspiring.

If you feel that your family triangles are influencing your sexuality, remember that change is possible. I invite you to join me in a therapeutic process, where together we can release the influences of the past and create a new, intimate space of freedom. There is hope for a more fulfilling sexual relationship.

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Sivan Avni – Getting Closer, Supporting Love, Strengthening the Bond.