An intimate relationship is a space where two inner worlds meet, full of desires, dreams, and fears. Sometimes, this meeting creates friction, leading to pain. When we feel distant from our partners, it’s not just because of what they said or did but because our longing for connection has hit a barrier. Dr. John Gottman identified four destructive patterns that can predict the breakdown of a relationship – criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. The solution is to neutralize these behaviors and rediscover the desire for connection and closeness.
Criticism:
When we criticize our partner, we’re disappointed that our needs aren’t being met. But instead of attacking, it’s crucial to pause and recognize our needs behind the criticism. Criticism is a plea for agreement, for connection. Instead of saying, "You never help around the house," try sharing your vulnerability: "I feel overwhelmed when I have to do everything by myself." Such sharing opens your partner's heart and creates closeness instead of distance.
Contempt:
Contempt is the most destructive of the four horsemen. It stems from deep, accumulated wounds and expresses superiority and disrespect. Sarcasm or mockery pushes away the person we love most. But behind contempt lies vulnerability – the feeling of not being acknowledged by your partner. The solution is to reintroduce mutual appreciation.
Instead of mocking or belittling, express what you value about your partner. "I know you work hard, and I truly appreciate that."
Defensiveness:
When we get defensive, it’s because we feel attacked. But often, defensiveness reflects an internal fear that we might not meet the expectations of ourselves or others. Rather than defending yourself, acknowledge that you are vulnerable and human.
For example, if your partner says, "You didn’t call when you were late," instead of throwing the blame back, you could say: "You’re right; I should have let you know. I’m working on that."
Stonewalling:
Stonewalling occurs when one partner shuts down emotionally, often in response to emotional overwhelm. We withdraw to avoid the conversation, but in doing so, we push away the person seeking to connect.
The solution is to request space – not from a place of disconnection, but of intention to reconnect. "I need a break right now to calm down, but I want us to return to this conversation in an hour."
How to Neutralize the Four Horsemen of the Relationship and Create Renewed Intimacy?
Accepting Influence and Soft Startups: Instead of diving into conflicts, begin conversations with a soft startup: "I feel sad when I don’t hear from you during the day." This reflects not only your need for connection but also your openness to accept your partner's influence. Such acceptance creates a dialogue where both partners feel heard.
Repair Attempts: In healthy relationships, small gestures serve as anchors for maintaining the bond. A gentle smile, a light touch, or a calming word can steer the conversation back on track. Both partners seek to restore emotional balance, and recognizing these repair attempts fosters intimacy and security.
Stress-Reducing Conversations: An intimate relationship requires a daily routine of connection. Regular conversations about your day, experiences, and feelings allow you to be a source of support for each other. These talks are not about problem-solving but about presence and mutual care.
Dudi and Michal - A Story from the Clinic:
When Dudi and Michal came to therapy, they were lost in a conflicted relationship. By working on their lost desire for connection, they learned to neutralize the Four Horsemen of the Relationship and create a new language of closeness.
Through humor and shared “code phrases” they developed together, they brought back a sense of partnership and love. They discovered that the arguments weren’t the problem – their inability to feel safe in their shared space.
Once they started speaking from a place of connection rather than disconnection, the arguments naturally diminished, and a more profound friendship emerged.
Why Wait?
Don’t wait until anger and pain take over your relationship. You have the power to create a deeper, richer connection. Couples therapy is where you will learn to explore your emotions, understand your vulnerabilities, and create a new dialogue based on closeness and intimacy. Reach out today to schedule an appointment at my clinic in Kiryat Tivon or online. The journey to a deeper connection starts now.
Sivan Avni – Couples Therapy combining Family Constellations and Differentiation. I invite you to discover powerful tools to return your relationship to a path of closeness and intimacy. Reconnect with your partner today.
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