How can we balance respecting memory and the necessary release for the peace of the dead? Can forgetting be an act of love?
Life and death are two poles that accompany us throughout our lives, yet few pause to consider the mysterious connection between them and the impact of memory and forgetting on the dead and the living. In this blog post, I have chosen to translate a text from Bert Hellinger's work titled "Thoughts on Peace," which deals with the implications of memory and forgetting on the tranquility of the deceased and our lives in the here and now. Following the translated passage, which I tried to keep as close to the original as possible, I included in the discussion section the perspectives of Yehuda Amichai and Martin Buber, which help to understand the complexity of the role of memory in our lives.
I hope you have a fascinating read!
Bert Hellinger - Thoughts on Peace
Hellinger's Philosophy:
Most of the dead are at peace, and any worry or thought about them disturbs their tranquility. They are beyond our world. Hellinger uses an image of life: life is the pause between what was before and what will be after. Therefore, both the unborn and the realized (those who were born) are treated equally. If someone wants to connect with them, for example, because they feel guilt towards them, the dead do not understand it.
The Unrest of Some Dead:
However, we also experience that some of the dead still affect the present. They are not at peace yet. Sometimes they reach out to the living and pull them towards death. These dead need help. It seems these dead do not understand they are dead; they still seek nourishment from the living and drain them. Engaging with them and letting them penetrate is dangerous.
Escaping the Influence of the Dead:
How can we escape them? We escape them through our pure existence. In their presence, we dissolve into a pure connection, so that nothing remains of them that can cling to us. In this pure connection, one becomes completely permeable, observing them towards a mysterious darkness, and then remains focused on its presence. This results in the dead also retreating there, far from the living. We allow them to dissolve there, into something Richard Wagner calls: "blessed primal forgetting."
The Beginning of Peace:
Where does peace begin? Where memory ends. The deepest longing in everything is to enter this forgetting. Hellinger steps out of bounds here to convey a sense of what movements are possible and their effects on our souls and the souls of others.
The Impact of Memory on the Dead
Remembering vs. Forgetting:
What is the worst thing for the dead? Remembering them! Not at first, the memory is still alive then. But death is probably a process of gradual self-release. This process, the process of release, should not be obstructed. For example, through memory. The biography of the deceased intervenes in this process. All guilt, all complaints, all ongoing sorrow, intervene in this process.
Recently, I opened a book on the Crusades and realized that continuing to read might lead to an explanation of the path to peace between perpetrators and victims, so I decided to close the book. Forgetting is an aspect of the highest love.
Who Among the Dead Functions Best?
Who among the dead functions best? Those who have completed their death and have eternal peace, those we allow to forget. We can also imagine how it would be for us if we die and are remembered, or if we die and are forgotten. Where is the achievement? After a while, all the dead should have the right to be forgotten. Sometimes something still stands in their way. The dead expect us to honor them, perhaps still thank them and still mourn them. Only then are they free from us and we from them.
Excerpt from "The Churches and Their God," Hellinger Publications, 2013, in: "The Knowing Field" Magazine, Issue 40, June 2022.
Discussion: When Hellinger, Buber, and Amichai Meet (In My Head)
How does Hellinger’s concept of memory interact with those of Martin Buber and Yehuda Amichai?
When I read Hellinger's thoughts and connect to my own culture and roots, I am reminded of Yehuda Amichai's poetry and Martin Buber (as well as my university history studies). It feels like a meeting of three giants, creating a constellative triangle in their texts, with a discussion that fascinates me and may interest you too.
Hellinger’s article raises profound questions: Does our memory interfere with the peace of the dead? Do all the deceased really wish to be forgotten to find rest?
This topic touches not only on our personal beliefs but also on the collective. In Jewish culture, the memory of the deceased is an integral part of faith and religious practice. The commandment "Remember" appears several times in the Torah and serves as a moral and educational guide. We commemorate our loved ones through Kaddish, Yahrzeit (anniversary of death), and other rituals. Collective memory, such as Holocaust Remembrance Day or Memorial Day for Fallen Soldiers, strengthens our national and religious identity. Memory is a way to preserve the values, culture, and identity of our people.
"When a person dies, they say about them, they are gathered to their ancestors.
As long as they are alive, their ancestors are gathered within them.
Every cell in their body and soul represents one of the multitudes of their ancestors from the beginning of all generations."
—Yehuda Amichai
The deceased are gathered to their ancestors, to that great group they are part of in the chain of generations. As long as they live, their ancestors are gathered within them. The person hears from the living with them what the meaning of the lives lived by their ancestors was. Thus, they, not by choice, now represent their ancestors in their lives, in the present they live, and in the goals they serve, hoping to continue the chain of generations and their aspirations. "Every cell in their body represents" those generations from the beginning of all generations. It is difficult to be a representative, but it is much more difficult to lack identity and connection to any past in which you are not called to be a representative. Through the sense of representation, one feels belonging. (These are also two fundamental concepts in Bert Hellinger’s Family Constellation method – the principle of belonging and the phenomenon of the representative in the morphogenetic field – more information can be found on these concepts here on the site.)
Amichai’s idea appeared years earlier in Martin Buber’s book "Spirit and Reality" in the section "History." Buber writes:
"One must know in the depths of the soul: the generations that created me, I carry within me, and what I do anew, receives its personal taste only from this".
According to Buber, all our actions have meaning only because we are a link in the chain of generations. And when we say "May their memory be blessed" and also T.N.T.B.H (May their soul be bound up in the bond of life), the blessing means that the living will remember the deceased as much as they were significant in their lives and also for the lives of others, and sometimes for an entire people whose fate that individual was significant for them. On this matter, I don't remember who said that Jews possess six senses – sight, hearing, touch, taste, smell, and memory. A brilliant observation!
Hellinger suggests that the memory of the dead disturbs their peace and that forgetting is the highest way to love and peace. It seems to me that there is a call for balance here – to remember the dead, to honor them, and to cherish them, but also to know how to let go and allow them to rest in peace. Perhaps this is also a reflection of an elderly person's state of mind who has experienced so many deaths and farewells in their life and is subtly asking their students – not to cling to memory, it is also permissible and even desirable to forget.
Are we capable of finding this balance?
Can we remember the dead without disturbing their peace?
Can forgetting truly be an act of love?
And how do you see the role of memory in your life?
Indeed, these are questions that invite us to reflect and rethink our relationship with the dead and with memory. I invite you to ponder these issues and share your thoughts in the comments below.
Epilogue
If I were to summarize Bert Hellinger’s guidance, it would be: Strive to maintain a balance between memory and forgetting. Remember your loved ones but allow them to rest in peace. You can do this by creating personal rituals to commemorate the dead that also include the aspect of letting go. As Yehuda Amichai said, "As long as they are alive, their ancestors are gathered within them," and as Buber said, "The generations that created me, I carry within me." Thus, through letting go, we maintain a meaningful sense of belonging and memory.
Write to me, and I would be happy to guide you in performing such a ritual in the Family Constellation approach.
And what should you do after you perform the ritual that releases the dead? – Focus on your current life, the here and now, and your connection with the people in the system that surrounds you.
If this article touched your heart and invited you to reflect on these deep issues, I invite you to share your thoughts in the comments below and share the article with friends and family.
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Sivan Avni, Couples Therapy Based on Family Constellation and Differentiation in Kiryat Tivon and Online.
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