Is Your Relationship Controlled by Unseen Forces?
Do you sometimes feel like everything that happens in your relationship is part of a script that was written long ago? Like there’s an invisible hand pulling the strings, keeping you stuck in the same patterns, even when they no longer serve you? I encounter many couples who discover, almost by accident, that their behaviors are driven by hidden loyalties to their family of origin—loyalties they weren’t even aware of.
In this article, we’ll dive deep into these hidden loyalties, understand how they impact your relationship, and explore what you can do to start breaking free from the bonds they create. Along the way, I’ll share two real-life cases where hidden loyalties affected not only the couples but also the dynamics of their extended families. With insights from couples therapy and family constellations, you’ll learn how to recognize and address these issues.
What Are Hidden Loyalties, and How Do They Affect Your Relationship?
Hidden loyalties are emotional ties to your family of origin that influence your behavior in a relationship in ways you may not be consciously aware of. These invisible threads connect you to your family and shape your actions and reactions within your closest relationships.
This phenomenon, first described by Ivan Boszormenyi-Nagy in the 1960s, refers to unspoken obligations you feel toward your family. These loyalties can significantly impact your relationship and personal connections, and sometimes even extend to your broader family dynamics, creating relationship issues that are hard to resolve without understanding their root causes.
Examples of Hidden Loyalties in Relationships and Their Impact on the Extended Family
The Partner Who Gave Up a Career: Is Family Loyalty Damaging Your Relationship?
Yael and Ron, a couple in their 30s, came to couples therapy after feelings of frustration began to grow in their relationship. Ron, who was once a respected professional in his field, decided to leave his successful career after the birth of their first child and work from home to care for their children. This decision was made after they realized that Yael, who worked in a central role in the tech industry with a very high salary, could better support the family financially.
Over time, Ron began to feel deep frustration with giving up his career, feeling as though he had lost a part of himself. Yael, on the other hand, felt that Ron was angry and withdrawing from her, which affected their emotional connection. She felt that he didn’t appreciate her contribution to the family and didn’t understand the challenge she faced as the primary breadwinner.
During marriage counseling, it became clear that Ron’s decision to give up his career wasn’t solely about wanting to spend time with the children; it was also tied to a hidden family loyalty. Ron grew up in a family where his father had given up a successful career to care for the family after his mother became ill, and Ron saw this as an act of dedication and loyalty. Subconsciously, he felt that he needed to continue this legacy to remain true to his family’s values, even though the personal cost was very high.
The extended family dynamics also influenced Ron’s relationships with his parents and siblings, who appreciated his decision but didn’t understand the difficulties it caused in his marriage. After identifying the hidden loyalty, Ron and Yael began to break free from these bonds and reassess the decisions they had made, gaining a deeper understanding of the family influences on their lives.
How Loyalty to Family Tradition Can Hurt Your Relationship
Michal and Amir, a couple in their 40s, sought therapy due to ongoing tension in their relationship. Amir, who came from a traditional family, wanted Michal to stay home and dedicate her time to caring for their children and household, even though Michal wanted to pursue a professional career and advance in her field.
Michal felt torn between her desire to fulfill her potential and Amir’s expectations of her. Amir, on the other hand, believed that Michal was straying from family values and feared that they would lose their special connection if she chose a career over the home.
During family therapy, it became clear that Amir felt a deep loyalty to his traditional family, where women always stayed home and supported the men who went out to work. Amir’s mother, who had suffered greatly after needing to work to support the family, always emphasized the importance of the traditional role of women. Without realizing it, Amir felt compelled to maintain this pattern to avoid betraying his family’s legacy and to honor his mother’s experiences.
Amir’s hidden loyalty affected not only his relationship with Michal but also his relationships with his mother and sisters, who supported him and viewed Michal as someone disrupting the family tradition. As therapy progressed, Amir and Michal began to examine this dynamic and rebuild their relationship, balancing family values with their personal aspirations.
How to Identify and Break Free from Hidden Loyalties Impacting Your Relationship
Through couples therapy based on family constellations, you can identify the hidden loyalties that are affecting your relationship. This process involves working with a therapist to uncover unconscious patterns, understand their family origins, and begin to break the bonds that control your life. Once you identify these loyalties, you can make conscious choices about how to act in your relationship and personal life, balancing loyalty to your family with personal and relational fulfillment.
Are you prepared to enhance your relationship and create a stronger future together?
If you recognize these patterns in yourself and want to understand how to break free from them and improve your relationship, I invite you to contact me and start the process of couples or individual therapy based on family constellations.
Together, we will explore how to release these bonds and regain control of your life. Sign up for my newsletter to receive more content on **family constellations**, relationships, and family life, and share this article with anyone who might benefit from it.
Sivan Avni specializes in providing couples therapy that is rooted in family constellations and differentiation.
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