Am I good enough? - How do family triangles affect our self-worth and belonging in a relationship?

What is the connection between family triangles and our self-worth in a relationship?

In every relationship, we all bring with us our fears, wounds, and shortcomings from the family we grew up in. These could include parent-child dynamics, sibling rivalries, orthe influence of extended family members. These 'family triangles' often affect the way we perceive ourselves within our relationships – how much we feel we are good enough, worthy, and a part of a belonging community.

This article aims to help us understand how family triangles impact our sense of self-worth and belonging in relationships. It will provide insights and tools for developing a healthy sense of self-worth, enabling us to free ourselves from the past and feel loved and secure in our relationships.

How do family triangles sabotage our sense of self-worth and belonging in a relationship?

The effects of family triangles on our self-worth tend to be subtle but pervasive. Patterns of criticism, demanding fulfillment, or constant role-playing can lead to a deep sense of worthlessness, insecurity, or fear of rejection within our relationships.

Let's get to know three ways in which family triangles damage our sense of self-worth in relationships:

1. Deep fear of not belonging:

   If you grew up in a family where you had to “earn” your place—whether through achievement, pleasing others, or mediating conflict—you may carry with you the fear that you don’t truly belong or deserve love. The result is that you operate out of fear of losing your partner’s love, causing you to give up on yourself or change who you are to feel like you belong.

   
   

2. Constant self-criticism:

   Family triangles can make us feel constantly self-critical. If you grew up in a family where you had to defend yourself, justify yourself, or seek reassurance from others, you may carry a deep-seated sense of "I'm not good enough." This can manifest in your relationship as constant self-criticism, distrust of your partner's feelings for you, or a persistent sense of dissatisfaction with yourself.

   
   

3. Emotional dependence on a third party for approval:

   When family triangles dictate our lives, we may find ourselves seeking external validation to feel “good enough.” It could be parents, friends, or even children who fill that role for us. This dependency prevents us from developing an internal and authentic sense of self-worth and feeling secure in our place within the relationship.

How did the family triangles undermine Maya and Jonathan's self-worth and belonging? - A story from the clinic

Maya and Jonathan came to me for couples therapy as they struggled repeatedly with feelings of criticism and insecurity.

Maya felt that she couldn't believe that Jonathan loved her, and Jonathan felt that he couldn't give Maya the sense of security she needed.

During the process, we recognized that Maya grew up in a family where she played the role of the "mediator" – she had to be the one to calm the tension between her parents and find ways to please everyone in order to feel loved and belong.

The consequences of this role were that she developed a deep sense of "I don't deserve it," "I'm not worthy," "I'm not good enough."

Jonathan's parents divorced when he was a young child, and he was forced to assume the role of the "responsible adult."

He learned to rely on himself and not expect approval from others – over time, this is what made him distant and not entirely emotionally accessible to Maya.

As part of couples therapy, I helped Maya and Jonathan identify how the family triangles affected them and begin to build their sense of self-worth and belonging from a place of awareness and self-love.

They began to listen to each other from a place of compassion, rather than out of a need to prove themselves.

Let's explore three steps that will help you start building self-worth and a sense of belonging in your relationship.

1. Recognizing the family patterns that govern us:

   Recognizing the family patterns that govern us is the first step towards empowerment. To release the triangular patterns that affect our sense of self-worth, we must first acknowledge them. This recognition is not a sign of weakness, but a powerful act of self-awareness and growth.

   Sit down with your partner and discuss how your family dynamics affect your perception of yourself within the relationship.

   
   

2. Practicing self-esteem and self-compassion:

   Start paying attention to the moments when you judge yourself or compare yourself to others.

   Ask yourself:

   Is this my voice or a voice from my past speaking to me?

   Practice self-compassion where you used to be critical of yourself.

   
   

3. Creating a space of love and support in relationships:

   Commit to building a space in your relationship where you hold each other out of love and support, not out of a need to prove or please. Learn to support each other instead of relying on third parties for validation. This way, you can create a true sense of belonging that reflects your value within the relationship.

Try the following two couple exercises to build self-worth and belonging in your relationship;

1. "Self-Gratitude" Exercise:

   This is a practice that will help you begin to recognize your self-worth.

   Each of you write down 3 things you value about yourself. Then, please share them with each other and explain why each thing is important to you.

   
   

2. "Our Safe Place" exercise:

   Sit together and build a physical space where you feel safe and relaxed – it could be a cozy corner in your home with candles, pillows, or an item that reminds you of a good time.

   Whenever you feel a sense of worthlessness or unworthiness, return to this space and remind yourself that you are good enough just the way you are.

So, how can you free yourself from the effects of family triangles and build self-worth in your relationship? Let's summarize...

Family triangles can undermine our sense of self-worth and impact the way we perceive our relationships. But once we identify these patterns and release them, we begin to build a sense of self-worth and true belonging that is based on who we indeed are, not what our past dictates to us.

If you believe that family triangles have compromised your self-worth, I invite you to join me at my clinic, where we can work together to rebuild your self-worth on a foundation of genuine love and support.

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🪬🪬🧄🧅Sivan Avni - Systemic Process-Oriented Couple Constellation